Grief

(photo above taken on my drive through Indiana as I drove home to be with mom a year ago.)

Death was not the opposite of life. It was already here, within my being, it had always been here, and no struggle would permit me to forget that... I lived through the following spring... with that kind of knot of air in my chest, but I struggled all the while against becoming serious.

~ Haruki Murakami

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A year ago today my mom passed. I'm doing all right, but still sad at times. Grief is like that. I'm sure my mother is glad I'm not happy she died. That would be more sad but in a different way.

The thing is, while I lost my mom, I gained a lot of other things. I got to be with her when she passed. I had never had that experience before. And at the very end, in those last moments, it was peaceful. Or it seemed peaceful. And she assured everyone she was ready if it was her time. That helped. 

And since she has passed, I have gotten to lean on people and to learn who was able to be there for me. I have been shown care and love by so many people. I'm lucky for that. And I have also gotten to be there for others as they have navigated loss. The fact that they trusted me enough to let me in during such a difficult time is a huge honor. And we share a bond that not everyone understands.

There is grace and goodness that can accompany grief if you take the risk with other people. My grief is not full of sadness and bad memories. There are good memories and great stories to come that were a part of the experience for me.

But maybe most of all, I am grateful to my mom. I had one last request of her the morning of the day she passed. She honored that - without saying a word. When I got there the last day, the hospital staff had put on '40s and '50s music for her. While I was sitting and talking to her, a song came on. She wasn't responsive at the time, but I said, "Please don't die while this song is playing." And she didn't. She did not die with "See You Later Alligator" playing in the background. And that is something for which I am incredibly grateful.