2016

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

- - - - -

A lot of people are mad at 2016. They are saying "good riddance" and other more curseword-laden things about this past year. I'm not the boss of them or how they feel about the year. I know a lot of people (famous and family) died. Relationships struggled, pets died, children faced challenges, and sad/infuriating things happened. Political-personal-public-private experiences were intense for many of us.

And good things happened. It's easy to focus on the negative. It's fun and therapeutic in the very short term. For me, it isn't good in the longer term.

I sometimes remember to pause and appreciate quiet things - sunrises, leaves, when the temperature is perfect, the smell of pine trees. I try to pay attention to people. I have an amazing group of friends and family. I have the perfect job for me.

This photo reminds me that I have a good life. I get to spend most of my days with the kindest, smartest, funniest person I know. If there were commercials that included "The Most Interesting Woman in the World" I think it would be her. I don't know if she'd like that or not because she's pretty humble and can be shy and - more importantly - I can't remember if she likes that kind of beer or not.

Windows

I'm standing near the window where the light is strong.

~ Marianne Faithful

- - - - - 

I think a good movie would be if someone bought some salvaged windows and when they got them to their house and had them installed, they found out that they could only see the past when they looked out the windows. And if they were outside looking in, they would see just regular current day stuff, but not for long because they would get arrested for being peeping Toms.

Did you ever notice that it's peeping Tom and not peeping Tammy? Or peeping Takira. Or peeping Taryn? I think it's because men are more visual than women. And more likely to be criminals.

Anyway, that windows movie would be pretty good.

Money

Libraries will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no libraries.

~ Anne Herbert

- - - - -

The photo above was taken on Aurora's first birthday. 

These photos were taken a few days ago shortly before Aurora's third birthday.

Things we can say Aurora has learned in the past two years...

1. $50 is more than $20.

2. You shouldn't put money in your mouth.

3. Hold on to your money or people will try to take it away.

4. Money is just an illusion - whether authentic currency or "play money." Isn't all really just "play money?"

She has also learned some remedial counterfeiting skills.

And, for the record, she loves libraries. I think it's in her genes. Oh! As opposed to money which is in her jeans.

(Not really. I don't think she wears jeans all that often. But my point is - wasn't that clever?!)

Sending

The letters I get that say, 'I'm getting the messages you're sending me through the television screen' are not great. But those are few and far between, thank God. I get wonderful letters. And people send me artwork.

~ Stephen Colbert

- - - - -

So today is the day after Kirk's birthday. It is the day that I begin shopping for things to send for his next birthday. I like to find fun things for him. He is one of the most appreciative people you will meet. 

One time I asked him why he is so ebullient. Actually, I just looked up the word "ebullient." That isn't what I meant. It is mostly true of Kirk, but I really meant "aggrandizing." He takes things to extremes. Many times he will share something with me along with the statement, "This is either the greatest thing in the history of all time or the absolute worst thing ever."

I finally asked him about it and why everything is in extremes like that. He said, "Not everything is. Just the things I get excited about and to share with you."

I thought that was a great response. And I think he's a pretty great brother. And I know he will appreciate whatever I send. If it makes no sense, he will think it is some sort of inside joke and will make up an inside joke to go with it. Because he is either the most creative person in all of history or so uncreative that he can't even create.

(pause)

He does that thing better than I do.

Funny

With comedy I can search for the profound.

~ Dario Fo

- - - - -

So Kirk and I are finally starting to work on a book together. We have talked about it for a long time. Schedules didn't work quite right. Motivations were in different places. Finally we are at a place where we are at least starting. 

It's going to be a good book. A funny book. A book that will change your life for the better and forever. When it comes out, I highly encourage you to buy multiple copies of it and share it with everyone you know.

You might wonder why we are writing it. Mainly for the money. Also - I mean - even more mainly for the transformational truth part. 

That said, we are in fact hoping to raise the comedian household income of our family.

(pause)

Trust me, the book is way funnier than that.

Oysters

I do not weep at the world. 

I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife.

~ Zora Neale Hurston

- - - - -

I really like Zora Neale Hurston. Maybe you already know that. To me this quote is about making your own way. It is about doing work. It is about moving forward not standing still and certainly not about falling back.

I also really like Leslie. Leslie really likes oysters. It is work to get oysters. It is work to shuck oysters. 

In short, I guess I like people who aren't afraid of a little hard work.

I also like people who aren't afraid of eating oysters because they are really good.

Now, get back to work.

Santa

Our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus 

to come visit... Santa - who was jolly, but let's face it, 

he was also very judgmental.

~ Julia Sweeny

- - - - -

I never thought about it until I read that quote, but being Santa Claus must be a lot like being a conduct officer. You decide who is naughty and nice in BOTH cases. 

Do I miss being a conduct officer? No. Do I miss breaking into people's homes and leaving them little surprises? Yes. I miss it every single day.

Visiting

He sees you when you're sleeping.

~ John Frederick Coots & Haven Gillespie

- - - - -

He sees you. He knows you. He makes judgments about you and writes those down. He can get into your house.

Now go to sleep.

Santa

Dear Santa, before I submit my life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the master of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?!

~ Bill Watterson

- - - - -

I think it's okay that Santa judges us. We judge him. We judge each other. Why should he be any different? Don't we every day judge people and decide to withhold - if not toys - we withhold our attention or our time or our love. Which is worse - withholding toys or love?

(pause)

You're right - it depends on the toys.

Monkeys

You never monkey with the truth.

~ Ben Bradlee

- - - - -

And you never truth with a monkey. They don't know what you're talking about anyway.

Or do they..?

Snow

All Heaven and Earth

Flowered white obliterate...

Snow...unceasing snow.

~ Hashin

- - - - -

Winter here is brief.
Not bitter and not cruel.
Still, they close the schools.

Snow today. Right now.
But it will melt tomorrow.
South Carolina.

I walked in the snow.
One man at the gas station.
No one else was out.

I like the snow here.
Doesn't outstay it's welcome,
Just comes and visits.

The snow is perfect.
White. Clean. Pure. Calm. Listening.
Until the dog comes.

Autumn

Trees are the earth's endless effort to speak to the listening heavens.
~ Rabindranath Tagore
- - - - -

I think listening is very, very important. I don't think most people are good at it. I think we have gotten worse at it as we have more and more technology. I hate it when people say that they are "multitasking." They really are just doing a lousy job at multiple things at once. In my opinion listening is something we should try very hard not to do a lousy job at.

That said...

I mess up sometimes, too. Sometimes I am not paying attention. Sometimes I just can't hear very well.

Like the other night when Leslie and I were watching a show.

Leslie: What did they say?

Me: "Hillbilly Scanlon."

Leslie: I thought they said, "Reuben Lacana."

Me: Could be. I was chewing popcorn and didn't really hear what they said.

The moral of the story is... I think a show with a character called, "Hillbilly Scanlon" could be really interesting.

Plantings

Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul.

~ Thomas Merton

- - - - -

Things you might hear if you hang around my mom's house long enough at the holidays:

"Jared, you're a triple threat -- Look at those deviled eggs!"

Person: She said my spirit animal was a bird of paradise.
Another person: Bird of paradise is a flower.
Person: It is?

"Vegetarians can't drink pop. When you see 'Red 40' on a label it's because there is meat juice in soda."

"I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about, Grandma."

Person: What did you do for fun back then, Grandma?
Another Person: She read the Bible.

Grandchild: Grandma, have you ever seen a drug?
Me, Kirk, & Erik: (simultaneously) SHE'S A NURSE!!!

"Okay, girls. I think that's enough tinsel in the plants."

Produce

We adore chaos because we love to produce order.

~ M. C. Escher

- - - - -

proDUCE and PROduce. They sound similar. They are spelled in VERY similar ways. One is a verb. one is a noun. I think it always involves work to proDUCE PROduce. I think that maybe you can proDUCE things without any work at all. Actually, a lack of work or effort does indeed proDUCE results, right?

Also - mmmm. Jellies.

Good

We all have the duty to do good.

~ Pope Francis

- - - - -

I like Pope Francis. I think he is calling people out and making us face our own not-so-goodness and our behaviors that are inconsistent with truly loving and caring about each other. And I agree that we all have a duty to do good.

That said, we are also all measured by different standards of "good." For instance, if I made a drawing or cooked a meal for someone, they might say, "Hey, this is pretty good." But if Pope Francis made a drawing or cooked a meal for someone, I bet they would talk rave about it and talk about for a really long time.

Is that because he's the Pope and I'm not? No. He's just probably better at cooking and drawing than I am.

Graduation

The doer alone learneth.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

- - - - -

David graduates today. He has studied very hard while working full time and being a dad and husband. Now he is done with this degree. He can relax and celebrate.

Then he needs to get back to work. Well, more go-to work and less homework. Well, a different kind of home work because he still needs to do work at home like cleaning and giving Aurora a bath and helping her learn to read so she can go to college one day, too.

I guess the work never ends. The doing never ends. Hopefully the learning never ends.

In conclusion, good job being smart and not simply a smart aleck, David.

Cocoa

Animal crackers and cocoa to drink ---
That is the finest of suppers, I think ---                                     
When I'm grown up and can have what I please ---
I think I shall always insist upon these.

~ Christopher Morley

- - - - -

If Christopher Morley invited me to his house for dinner, I might go. Probably not in the summer. Probably not often. Once in a while, though. That might be okay.

Also, I would encourage him not to have this particular type of cocoa. Too many marshmallows. "Too many marshmallows?! Is that even POSSIBLE?!!" you ask.

Yep. It is.

Butterflies

The butterfly counts not months but moments and has enough time.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

- - - - -

Be present. Be in this moment. Pay attention. Listen intentionally. See things, don't simply look at them. Work toward understanding. Crawl first - that is where we start. Build a home where you are safe and can be transformed. Leave that home. Learn to fly. Enjoy nature's nectar. Lay eggs. 

Handle

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.

~ Henry Ward Beecher

- - - - -

I know it is said that you aren't given more than you can handle, but tell that to the guy who kept his handle collection in the attic over his garage who was crushed when the handles fell trough his garage and crushed him to death. What about that?

Prophecies

There will be a great loss of learning before the moon's full cycle is completed. Fire and floods will be fomented by ignorant rulers; much time will go by before it is rectified.

~ Nostradamus

- - - - - -

Whoa. So I read this and thought, "Is Nostradamus talking about the world TODAY?"

And then I thought, "Maybe this is true for lots of different times in history."

And then I thought, "Maybe it doesn't matter if the prophecies are about now. In order for them to be prophecies they have to come true otherwise they are just wrong guesses."

Then I thought, "Maybe I have some prophecies!"

Here are a few I came up with:

- Pay attention to the brain of the brilliant. That is the brain that is both unsettled and also alluring.
- Look to the skies for trouble. When work on earth is done then the trouble above is gone.
- If man loves the sea then the sea will rise up and return that love.
- Beware of the man who lives by fire because he is the man who starts the fire.
- A mystery lies in art which only history can solve.



(Note: These aren't really prophecies. I just looked at the titles of Ron Howard films and rewrote them so they sounded prophetic A Beautiful Mind, Apollo 13, Splash, Backdraft, The DaVinci Code)

Launderette

Irony is wasted on the stupid.

~ Oscar Wilde

- - - - -

Me: Yeah, I'm doing my laundry tonight.

Leslie: Ironing?

Me: I don't know that it's ironic, but --

Leslie: I SAID "IRONING?"

Calls

Tomorrow you might get a phone call about something wonderful and you might get a phone call about something terrible.

~ Regina Spektor

- - - - -

So last night my mom called. She mentioned that she hadn't seen new posts on my blog in a while. I apologized and told her I had fallen behind because I'd been busy, but my hope was to post some things this weekend.

Mom also wanted to find out about holiday plans. She said that one of Erik's high school friends might be at the house for Christmas this year if he didn't got see his family.

I asked, "Isn't that the kid Erik kicked in the testicles in high school?"

Mom was silent for a long time. She finally said, "Well... I don't know. I guess I'll have to ask your brother."

I replied, "Or maybe the kid kicked Erik in the testicles."

Mom said, "That could be, though I think I would have remembered that happening."

The moral of the story is that even when someone gets kicked in the testicles, they can still be welcome in your home eventually for a nice meal and get together. It's a lot like Aesop's fable of the Fox and the Testicles. I mean grapes. The Grapes and the Testicles.

Also, I bet it's a while before Mom calls me again. 

Also, I wonder if she's glad I'm back to posting my blog.

Boxes

Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.

~ Nicolas Manetta

- - - - -

So when we moved, our movers put little comments on our boxes. Like above they wrote, "LR Bricks" when it was a box of BOOKS from the living room. Funny, right? My favorite was "Chester Drawers" for the dresser in the bedroom.

Anyway, because we knew so many grad students who were moving across the country to their new jobs in North Carolina, Idaho, and Maine, (as well as lots of other places) and faculty who were moving to Oklahoma, we shared our boxes when we were finished with them.

When we were waiting for the movers to pack up our things, I overheard one of them say something about a "box of lead pipes." I don't know what they packed in that box as we did not and still do not own lead pipes. Apparently, this is one of the boxes we gave to Liz when she moved away. I know this because of the following exchange on Facebook:

liz: do you ever think you're shipping a box of office supplies to your new office but in reality you shipped everything fragile you own and now have 12 broken mugs?

Me: No. I don't do that.

liz: no you just pack lead pipes in boxes.

Me: They belong in either The Conservatory or The Ballroom, if you don't mind.

liz: I'll be sure to have Professor Plum put them in The Ballroom of my one bedroom apartment.

Me: Professor Plum is too busy writing grants and doing research. Have Mr. Green do it.

Go

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

- - - - -

Sally asked me why I left town and then Leslie went out on a bunch of hikes and adventures.

I said, "She actually did that hike [referring to a FB post] the day I flew here so she didn't have to take me to the airport."

(pause)

It's true. It's also true that I think taking me to the airport is kind of an adventure. 

And also you can rearrange the letters in "adventure" to spell "evade turn."

So what about that? You didn't know that did you? 

No you didn't.

Don't argue with me.

Art

Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.

~ Edgar Degas

- - - - -

I was sitting in the library and out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy drawing. I like to watch people draw or do whatever kind of art. Well, maybe not mixed martial arts. Anyway, I wondered what he was working on. Then I looked more closely. He wasn't drawing. He was scrolling through stuff on his phone.

And don't even try to tell me that's kind of an art. It isn't.

Bridge

It takes both sides to build a bridge.

~ Fredrik Nael

- - - - -

I agree. It does take both sides to build a bridge. And if the other side isn't going to work with you to build the bridge, why do you want to build a bridge there? That's like someone building a wall and wanting you to pay for it.

Cold

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

~ William Wadsworth

- - - - -

I like the cold. Not for a long time. I like it just long enough to get chilly so then I can go in and get warm again. I like being out in the cold and reflecting and having amazing insights and enjoying the quiet chill of slow movement and icy reflection.

Who am I kidding? I like the cold because it keeps most people inside where they don't get on my nerves as much.

Hole

If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.

~ Abraham Lincoln

- - - - -

This is the stump of a doughnut tree.

Not really. Ha ha. I made that up.

It's the stump of a Cheerio tree.

Learning

All children have preparedness, potential, curiosity and interest in constructing their learning, in engaging in social interaction and in negotiating with everything the environment brings to them.

~ Lella Gandini

- - - - -

I like to see when children learn things. I like to see how they connect action and words and how they learn they have some control over their environments. But not too much control. Back of kid, you're just a child. You're not the boss of me.

Actually, probably not true. Kids are kind of the bosses of us. Well, not me. But they are the bosses of you.

Autumn

Now autumn's fire burns slowly along the woods and day by day the dead leaves fall and melt.

~ William Allingham

- - - - -

I love autumn.

Is it interesting that at the end is when leaves show their true colors?

No. 

But they sure are pretty.

Gourds

When a gourd is hollowed out it becomes empty and is of great use to world because of its emptiness.

~ Dorothy Gilman

- - - - -

I hadn't thought about the value of emptiness until I read this quote. Why is empty considered negative? Or is it just me who has that negative connotation about emptiness? Could be. Sometimes it's just me a lot of the times.

But emptiness has room to accept, right? It has space to be flexible. It can be receptive. 

When one is full there isn't space for those things. Full is closed. Full is refusal. Full is complete.

I prefer to be incomplete. And I prefer to be a work in progress. I prefer to have room to receive new ways of thinking and seeing and being.

And present. I prefer to have room to get more presents. 

Gate

Trust in dreams for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

~ Khalil Gibran

- - - - -

A closed gate - even a locked gate - without a fence is nothing more than a slight inconvenience. You can walk around a locked gate. 

Maybe ultimately nothing is more than a locked gate. There are ways through-around-over. Always. All ways. 

Now, might there be a rabid dog behind that gate? Yes. There might be.

Of course there also might be a rabid raccoon behind you. So there's that.

Also, you should move away from here. There's too much rabies here.

Grow

If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, they have to go.

~ Steve Maraboli

- - - - -

I don't think it should be that surprising that some people have narrow minds. There's a reason for that, right? Don't the narrow things fit more easily in cupboards and suitcases? Aren't they lighter? Aren't they simpler? 

Who would want to be encumbered with an open, growing, changing, evolving, new mind? That's a lot of work. 

Of course, one might argue that most great things are the result of a lot of hard work.

Or one might not argue at all. One might just know.

Maddie

Photography is the story I fail to put into words.

~ Destin Sparks

- - - - -

Maddie sent me that photo. I have it in my office. It was from her adventures.

Maddie and I used to not get along so well. We do now. Is it because she is growing up?

Nope. I think it's because I am growing up.

Happy birthday, Maddie.

Thinking

The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.

~ Plutarch

- - - - -

I think that good thinkers don't keep their thoughts to themselves. Instead, they give and share their thoughts with others. Then others have thoughts to think about. By thinking and sharing you give others things to think about.

That said, there are exceptions. Some people won't think no matter what you give them. They have already stopped thinking. They just speak.

I prefer quiet thinkers and sharers. 

The louder speaker people get more attention. But that's about all they get. 

Wait. Not true.

They also get annoying.

Stories

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

~ Garrison Keillor

- - - - -

I would have done a lot better in school if people had given me a quiz to tell stories instead of a quiz to give answers. Also, if I had done the reading I would have done better. And if I wasn't such a know-it-all. And if -- well, I actually did fine in school.

It just would have been more fun if I had gotten to tell more stories instead of having to listen to more answers. Guess what teachers? I got older and found out a lot of the answers you gave me were either wrong or only part of the stories I didn't get told.

Except in Professor Mack's classes. Because I'm still a little scared of her. 

Beach

Don't grow up too quickly lest you forget how much you love the beach.

~ Michelle Held

- - - - -

How could one ever forget how much she loves the beach? 

(pause)

By getting busy. 

Which is kind of the same as getting old. 

Little kids are doing things, but not busy. They don't complain about being busy. They just have lots to do and excitedly pursue those things. Organizing stuffed animals for school or banging on pots and pans or seeing how high they can climb.

Maybe the difference is in the compulsion to DO. Are we DOING for our own enjoyment and fulfillment or are we DOING because doing is what doers do?

I would say be careful about the now-now and the gotta-gotta and the do-do, but that could be misinterpreted.

Of course the truth is one ought to be careful to avoid do-do and doo-doo. They are both pretty crappy things.

Roof

The roof might fall in; anything could happen.

Dashiell Hammett

- - - - -

Part of the fun of life is the unpredictability of it. Right? I mean, if we knew what was going to happen - what's the fun in that? That's like opening all of your Christmas presents before Christmas. That's not fun. And then you have to pretend that you are surprised by everything. That's not fun.

Allegedly.

Matching

Matching shoes and bags immediately age you by ten years.

~ Ines de la Fressange

- - - - -

"Dammit," Giselle thought. "She's wearing the same socks I have on."

Giselle wasn't one to catch all the details.

Also, apparently 11 year olds who want to get into bars just need matching shoes and handbags. Thanks for corrupting the youth Ines de la Fressange

Scared

It's as much fun to scare as to be scared.
~ Vincent Price
- - - - -

Do you think this witch is a mannequin? Frozen and staring and creepy? Nope, she is alive. And real. And so is the woman on the left in the costume.

BWAAA HA HA HA HA.

Yes, kids you can use that joke on trick or treating night. The thing is, it won't make any sense without the photo and you really don't need to be carrying the photo as a prop on trick or treat night. You need to be carrying your candy bag and a flashlight. Also, look both ways before your cross the street. And leave the rotten eggs at home.

Dang. Kids can be jerks.

Live

To defend what you have written is a sign that you are alive.

~ William Zinsser

- - - - -

I would love to believe that this was written by someone who is dyslexic and hates someone named "Stel."

Mail

I get mail; therefore I am.

~ Scott Adams

- - - - -

Someone is sending me a LOT of Nicolas Cage pillow covers. A lot. And one Nicolas Cage activity book. This is disturbing to some of those around me. I am strangely immune to it. I am just one of those people people send random things to. It's part of my lived experience. So far no one has sent me anything that was too disturbing. Unless you considered parts of Barbie dolls disturbing. But if you do, that's on you.

Today I was thinking about all the items I've gotten. I don't have a particular affinity of Nicolas Cage. I don't have a particular dislike of him. He did bump into me once in a souvenir store in Las Vegas, but I think he was leaving. 

(pause)

Get it?

Anyway, this morning I thought, "I wonder if he is getting a bunch of pillowcases with pictures of me on them?"

(pause)

Probably not, but if he is I bet HE is weirded out by that.

Sugar

The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee and I will pay more for that ability than any other under the sun.

~ John D. Rockefeller

- - - - -

A few weeks ago Leslie and I were at a park. I swear that I heard someone calling to one of the little girls there. I swear that the name they called to the little girl was "Splenda."

I guess I know what that little girl was made of.

Unicorns

There is no such thing as a great man or a great woman. People believe in them just as they used to believe in unicorns and dragons. The greatest man or woman is 99% just like yourself.

~ George Bernard Shaw

- - - - -

What would a horn of plenty of unicorns look like? And how many unicorns would be in it? I'm guessing only one or two. Unicorns look all nice and sparkly and rainbowy from a distance, but I bet they're a handful. 

Hey. Also this:

Why don't they call unicorns "hornses" instead?

Why? I'll tell you why, because unicorns are high maintenance and too fancy to just be called hornses, that's why.

Rhymes

The pig, if I am not mistaken,

Gives us ham and pork and bacon.

Let others think his heart is big.

I think it stupid of the pig.

~ Ogden Nash

- - - - -

What do you use to cover a hogback? Easy. A blanket. Pigs in a blanket. Or maybe a cloak? Pork in a cloak? 

Pork and cloak don't rhyme but they almost sorta do. That's called a slant rhyme. It's also called a "those words don't rhyme."

Graffiti

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.

~ Bansky

- - - - -

I like this quote. I like this picture.

(pause)

Just for the record, graffiti can make you smile even when you're not urinating.

Roads

Walk on your own yellow brick road. If you can't find one, spray paint your way into happiness. If that doesn't work, buy yellow shoes.

~ Sadique Hamdan

- - - - -

I think that sometimes if you friend suggests you follow complete strangers down a yellow brick path with floaties zip tied together to make a rainbow, you should do just that.

NOTE: This does not apply to children. You need to stay away from strangers. 

NOTE: It probably should also not apply to adults if you really think about it.