Sinkholes

You cannot open a book without learning something.

~ Confucius

- - - - - 

I learned something from this book without even opening it. I learned that someone at Scholastic thought kids would want a book about sinkholes.

Donkey

Donkeys lack respect in Indian culture... Only the goddess of smallpox, Sitala Mata, rides a donkey.

~ Paul Salopek

- - - - -

I don't know much about The Television Donkey, but I love The Radio Lemur.

Ketchup

To do a common thing uncommonly well brings success.

~ Henry J. Heinz

- - - - -

So James Mease wrote the first known recipe for ketchup that used tomatoes. Except he called tomatoes "love apples." So at the next cookout, ask someone to pass you the "love apple sauce" and see what happens. Either they will hand you ketchup or else it's a fun chance to educate everyone at the cookout because people at cookouts love that.

Taste

One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste.

~ Jonathan Wolfgange von Goethe

- - - - - 

Leslie and I don't agree on everything. That's fine. We can each have our own opinions. But some facts are facts. I like Yum Yum sauce. She does not. I simply do not understand this. How can you not like Yum Yum sauce? It has YUM in the name. TWICE.

Honesty

Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it'll always get you the right ones.

~ John Lennon

- - - - -

The other day I was talking to my brother and he said, "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I don't like this conversation."

The weird part is not that he said it, it's not that I laughed and then he laughed when he said it... The weird part is that we talked for like seven more minutes after that.

Love

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

~ A. A. Milne

- - - - -

Of course this only works if the person you love was born on the same day in the same year that you were. 

Weirdo

Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind,

Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute

Tell me I'm sensitive, graceful and wise,

Tell me I'm perfect, but tell me the truth.

~ Shel Silverstein

- - - - - 

Zak is really cute. And he has an amazing sense of humor.

But... You see that last photo? Well, if Zak's eyes looked like that permanently and he appeared as a ghost child and woke you up in the middle of the night, you wouldn't think he was cute. And if they made a movie about it, it wouldn't be a movie for kids. And also, I think I might have bad dreams tonight.

Company

If you're trying to create a company, it's like baking a cake. You have to have all the ingredients in the right proportion.

~ Elon Musk

- - - - -

So, remember back to yesterday when my blog was about a sign that said, "Pizza and More?" I gave some feedback on that. I will say that "Just Hair" is okay. I wouldn't go to a place that said, "Hair and Pizza." I think that is a bad combo of business ideas. But, it's not "Just Hair," is it? no. It's "Just Hair and Company." Now, if this was about the musicals "Hair" and "Company," I guess that would be okay. I'm not sure people would go see those often enough to keep the place in business, but what do I know? 

Well, a lot. Just not about this.

Color

When the color achieves richness, the form attains its fullness also.

~ Paul Cezanne

- - - - -

Okay, did I turn up the color too much on this photo? Probably. But I've always like to color things with bold colors. Like when I was in kindergarten and we were coloring a picture of a rocking chair. I think it was a rocking chair, that's how I remember it. But what a boring thing to color. Anyway, I pressed down super hard with my crayon because I thought the colors were prettier when you did that. Then my teacher, whom I shan't name, held up my picture and said, "Look class. You see this?" I was so excited she was going to praise my work. Then she added, "This is NOT how you color your pictures."

(pause)

Right? How awful to do to a little kindergartener.

Well, ultimately the joke was on her. Later when I started working in higher education, I kicked her granddaughter out of college for cheating on an exam.

(pause)

Okay, that second part didn't happen, but it WILL happen in the screenplay since I have to be a screenplay writer instead of a great artist because of the damage she caused me.

Pizza

If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza.

~ Nick Offerman

- - - - -

I think the name "Pizza and Then Some" is fine (though this establishment looked to be permanently closed when I drove by). However, there really are very few places that have pizza and absolutely nothing else. They usually have wings or pasta or bread sticks. Or water or beer. 

That said, if there was a place called "Pizza" or "Pizza and Nothing Else" I would want to go there and check it out.

Dog

Dogs are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions. They make no criticisms.

~ George Eliot

- - - - -

Interviewer: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want a dog, Michelle?

Me: Well, it depends on what kind of dog.

Interviewer: A Labrador or a lab mix -- 

Me: (excitedly) A ten.

Interviewer: You interrupted me. A Labrador or a lab mixed with a giant slug.

Me: (pause) What is WRONG with you???

Giggle

I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals.

~ Emma Thompson

- - - - -

If there is one thing I have learned so far during the pandemic it is that people are hilarious. Some are accidentally hilarious. Some are nervous laughter hilarious. But a whole, whole lot of them are "let's get through this with some humor" hilarious. I'm really glad for that.

Social media in a time of social distancing can actually be a gift. At least if you have some of the same friends I do. 

Shape

I am intrigued with the shapes people choose as their symbol to create a language. There is within all forms a basic structure, an indication of the entire object with a minimum of lines that becomes a symbol. This is common to all languages, all people, all times.

~ Keith Haring

- - - - -

I am intrigued with the gestures people choose to create language. I could watch people getting flipped off all day long. But I don't like it when that happens to me. I prefer the gesture curtseying or standing ovations when people see me. 

Unless they're doing it sarcastically. They need to knock it off if they're being sarcastic.

Arrows

A pig's tail will never make a good arrow.

~ French Saying

- - - - -

This is a smart evolutionary trait of the pig. Because if a pig's tail made a good arrow, then a wild boar's tail would make a good arrow. And if a wild boar's tail made a good arrow, then people who go wild boar hunting could keep using wild boar tails and kill one wild boar after the other.

Of course this is only if an elk's antlers made a good bow and they had also killed an elk.

Mail

I write letters to you that you'll never see.

~ Jennifer Elisabeth

- - - - -

Leslie: I'm going to check the mail.

Me: DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT MY TENURE LETTER!

(A minute later, the door opens. Leslie walks inside.)

Me: It came? HOORAY!!!

Leslie: Um... could your tenure letter have come from Ranger Rick?

Sun

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

- - - - -

Know what else comes with the new day? 

(pause)

Wait, seriously... you can't name even ONE thing?

Wow. You should get out more.

Good

I didn't realize until I was grown how important it is for good people to be tough.

~ Ruby Dee

- - - - -

Leslie is a good person. She always tries to do the good and the right thing. Which is not easy. For instance, Leslie tries to be a safe driver and not get distracted by her phone when she's driving - even though it is tempting to glance at your phone. Recently, Leslie  figured out how to turn on the "I can't take your call right now, I'm driving" function on her phone. 

(pause)

She may never take a call from me again.

POWERFUL.

farts








(I know I usually have a quote and then some context in my blogs, but the title, the image, and the word above is how it was saved as a draft. It made me laugh. So I'm just posting it like this. If it doesn't make you laugh, come back tomorrow. Actually, if this doesn't make you laugh, it's unlikely you'll like the rest of the blog, so I wish you well and move along...)

Thumbs

In the absence of any other proof, the thumb alone would convince of me God's existence.

~ Isaac Newton

- - - - -

A few weeks ago Leslie cut both of her thumbs on an apple slicer. I pretty much saved her life. She was bleeding and bleeding. 

I have some outstanding and little-known skills. One is I can fix copiers. Another is I can fix vacuum cleaners. Another is helping people with student affairs cover letters. And now another is using butterfly bandages to save people's lives. 

I have photos of Kirk and Zak giving "thumbs up" with this post because Leslie's thumbs still look pretty mangled up.

Crabs

The crab that walks too far falls into the pot.

~ Haitian Proverb

- - - - -

These are South Carolina blue crabs. We saw some guys fishing one time and they had caught these crabs. 

(pause)

That might be first time I've written about guys catching crabs.

(pause)

Might be the last time, too.

Chicken

Chickens don't praise their own soup.

~ Martinican Proverb

- - - - -

Which came first, the chicken salad or the egg salad?

The chicken salad.

I have to believe that we decided to eat that animal before we decided to eat something that shot out of that animal's butt.

(pause during which I do some really quick research)

Actually, apparently the best guess is that egg salad originated in the early 1800s (because it had to come after the invention of mayonnaise) and chicken salad was first served by Liam Gray in Rhode Island in 1863. 

I think the most important thing to remember, however, is that I do not like chicken pot pie.

Hat

Why should anyone be frightened by a hat?

Antoine Saint-Exupery

- - - - -

I think a hat is as fine a thing as any to be afraid of. We are afraid of things that don't exist and things that haven't even happened yet. Imagine what something that actually DOES exist might do. And don't the words "hate" and "asshats" and "chatting" all have contain the word "hat"? Yes. Yes, they do. And hate, asshats and chatting are all terrifying things.

There. I think I've made my point. You might wonder what my point is, and to that I say that my point is a good one.

Church

I went to Confession and I told the priest, "I lost my temper." He said, "Keep it. Nobody wants it." Well, I never said "lost" again because I was afraid I'd get another smart aleck comment.

~ Mother Angelica

- - - - -

If someone says they need to write to "nun what-the-hell's-her-name" I don't know what to tell you. They're writing to a nun - could be good. They don't know her name and swear in admitting they don't know her name - not good. 

I guess I'd say stay friends with them anyway because I know that someone and they're a pretty fun person.

Waterfall

Just let go. And fall like a little waterfall.

~ Bob Ross

- - - - -

I think this saying is a bad one to share with babies. First of all, they may not know what a waterfall is. Second, they are going to fall no matter what. Third, they might think you mean "just fall down and cry." 

(pause)

Again, they're going to do that no matter what. Babies are so irritating. 

Lobster

A great war shall burst forth from fishes of steel. Machines of flying fire, lobsters, grasshoppers, mosquitoes. The mass attacks shall be repulsed in the woods, when no child in Germany shall obey any longer.

~ Nostradamus

- - - - -

I was working on my blog one evening and looking for a quote about lobsters. I found this one.

As a result, I don't have a lot to say about lobsters, but I don't recommend reading Nostradamus at bedtime.

Wanted

As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.

~ Andy Warhol

- - - - -

I bet that's not 100% true. If a sheriff stopped wanting Belle Starr, I doubt that she'd just show up and turn herself in. Also, if this poster is accurate, then accounting for inflation, the reward today would be more than $20,000. Also, if this poster is accurate, then Belle Starr looked a LOT like a cranky Leslie. 

Wall

Why do we build the wall?

My children, my children

Why do we build the wall?

Why do we build the wall?

We build the wall to keep us free

That's why we build the wall

We build the wall to keep us free.

~ Anais Mitchell

- - - - -

The people to whom we give spaces of honor says more about us than it does about them. If you were going to carve four faces into the side of a mountain, whom would you choose?

Also, do you know how to carve? If not, your monument will probably look crappy no matter whom you choose.

Ships

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.

~ Louisa May Alcott

- - - - -

I once did a presentation and shared this quote. I used it as an example of facing difficult times and affording ourselves grace around our mistakes. A person in the audience (someone I knew and with whom I was bonded by our mutual dislike of one another) argued with me. She said sometimes storms sink ships.

I paused for a moment and then said, "You're right. We should be afraid of storms." Then she argued with that. Later in the presentation, she asked if she could ask a question. I said, "No." I often do this for comedic effect. It was not comedic.

And maybe I didn't mean it to be. 

Anyway, she works for Semester at Sea now.

(pause)

Not really, but wouldn't that be a great end to this story?