Tangled

I'm not really a storyteller myself I tend to get all tangled up when I try and tell stories.

~ Daniel Day Lewis

- - - - -

I am okay with telling stories, but I am not good at telling jokes. I get tangled up telling them. I think the difference for me is that jokes require more structure than stories. There is the set up, the misdirection, and then the punchline. And if you tell those out of order, it sort of ruins the joke.

I don't find that to be true with stories. You can tell the pieces in any order as long as you tell them in interesting ways. The best part is you don't even have to have a point. If people don't understand your stories, you can just pretend the stories are too complex for those people. 

If they don't fall for that you can always ask them, "So... do you know any good jokes?

Scary

Nothing scares me more than people with some doll collection.

~ Karl Lagerfeld

- - - - -

I agree, Karl.

Dolls are scary. Also the heads of dolls are scary. Also, listening to a podcast about an unsolved murder while you are home alone and then looking at the window and worrying that the murderer in the story of the unsolved murder is going to be at your window watching you listen to the podcast and then will have to kill you because now you know that they are the murderer - that is scary.

I used to get the same level of fear watching America's Most Wanted and worrying that the most wanted would see me watching the story about them. That doesn't scare me anymore, though because I quit watching it. Maybe it's not even on anymore. Of course, I won't go check because if it IS still on because what if there is an update and I see it, then the person the update is about might be walking by my window and then I'm a goner.

Basically, maybe I'm just afraid of people walking by my windows.

Killer

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

~ Alfred Hitchcock

- - - - -

Once upon a time I lived next door to an old woman named Georgia.  We shared a wall in a duplex.  She was loud and she smoked and she watched something hilarious on Friday nights.

Then one day she got a roommate.  I forget who it was, but she and Georgia had while working together on the 2012 Rick Santorum campaign.  Anyway, one weekend Georgia was gone - probably in the hospital.  The roommate...  I really wish I could remember her name... She was making something and she set the smoke detector off about 10 times.

I remember posting on Facebook at the time that I thought she was trying to kill me by setting the house on fire.

Well, a couple days later Georgia was back from intensive care or wherever she had been. She came over and gave me some brownies.  She said they were an apology gift from her roommate.

This is the label that was on the brownies.

Scary

I always just wanted to be funny. I never planned to be scary.

~ R. L. Stine

- - - - -

How do we decide what is scary? Like vegetables and legumes and that stuff? A pumpkin carved into a face is scary. But what if we did the same thing to a cucumber --

A Jack - o - Cuke? Is that scary? Or maybe a Cuke - o - Lantern? Is that better?

(pause)

No.

Cuke-o-lantern?  Is that better?  No.

Anyway, if you don't get my point, it's because I'm really a deep thinker.

Mask

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

~ Oscar Wilde

- - - - -

You know the story of the Man in the Iron Mask (or at least you should), but have you heard the story of the Man in the Cow Mask? That's what I thought. I'm disappointed in you.

And how many of you have a papier-mâché cow head in your basement?

(pause)

That's what I thought. Get out of here. I don't even know what to say to you.

Cat

"Meow" means "Woof" in cat.

~ George Carlin

- - - - -

This book is in the basement of my parent's house.
Also we never owned a cat when I was a kid. At least not for long. Just kidding - we never owned a cat.

Tunnel

Learning is a tunnel experience that makes us think more broadly.

~ Anna Deavere Smith

- - - - -

The other way that learning and tunnels are similar is you don't always know how long either one is going to take. And then you get through one experience and there is always another one. And also both have the letters L, N, and E in them.

Temperature

Sadly, it's much easier to create a desert than a forest.

~ James Lovelock

- - - - -

Last summer my brother Kirk took me to the Desert of Maine. It was a very fun trip. We saw the Desert of Main and a barn museum and the guide talked about am movie called "Dirt." 

Kirk and I are simply people who enjoy simple pleasures. 

And why I thought it was a good idea to sit at the front of the tram when I knew we would be laughing and would bust up if Kirk and I made direct eye contact during the trip... I will never know.

Good choices, bad choices, it's all up to you. Whether it's sitting too close to the tour guide or creating a giant desert because of poor soil management practices.

Games

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you're dealt is determinism;

 the way you play it is free will.

~ Jawaharlal Nehru

- - - - -

When this game originally came out it was called "Yatzie." What a stupid name. I'm so glad they changed it.

Sunrise

There will be good days and bad, which means that some days I may be cranky and some days really cranky!

~ Peter Jennings

- - - - -

The other day I had to go to campus for a meeting. It turned out to be a pretty great meeting, but that isn't my point.

My point is that I wasn't excited about driving to campus for a meeting on a Saturday. 

When you get in your car a little earlier than you wanted and you’re a little grumpier than you would prefer and

NOTHIN’ COULD BE FINER THAN TO BE IN CAROLINA IN THE MOOORNING by Dean Martin comes on.

Then you have to go around the building because they are refinishing the front doors, but you encounter a puppy named “Sully” and get to pet her.

And then you get to your office and have this note on the door and you RE-realize that you have the chance to work with some of the best students ever...

Sometimes it takes too much work to be grumpy, so you might as well be in a decent mood.

But my point isn't that you shouldn't be grumpy, either. That was my point in my FB post, but not now. Today my point is that when I got in my car to drive home from the meeting that day, the song that came on my iPod was "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," by Thurl Ravenscroft.

My point is that the universe will play jokes on you and you may not think they are funny or you may think they are funny. Either way, you are correct.

Also my point is - how great a name is "Thurl Ravenscroft"?!!!

Babies

New birth, new blessings.

~ Laila Gifty Akita

- - - - -

You know how when babies are learning to walk and they walk a little bit and then just sit down really hard. Who do they think they're fooling? We know they didn't just suddenly decide to sit down. We know they FELL down. 

Babies are fakers.

Signs

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

~ Steven Wright

- - - - -

If I were to choose three or four signs to put on a tree in front of my house, I wouldn't.

Frank

I always tried to do the best. I knew I couldn't always be the best, but I tried to be.

~ Frank Robinson

- - - - -

My mentor Frank used to sign notes, "I'm glad you're here." I do that now sometimes, but not for everyone. Let's be honest, I'm not glad everyone is here. 

Now you're going to go back and look at all the notes I sent you and see if I wrote that to you. If yes - be grateful. If no - try to think about what you did wrong.

Koozieboot

If the shoe doesn't fit, must we change the foot?

~ Gloria Steinem

- - - - -

Jared put this koozie - that was in the shape of a boot - on Zak's foot. I think it was Jared. I just felt bad for Zak. He looked ridiculous when his shoes didn't match.

Autumn

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking successive autumns.

~ George Eliot

- - - - -

I like a lot of things about living in the South. 
Something I do not like is how hot it is. 
The day before yesterday it felt like autumn for the first time. 
It is mid October. 
That is too late for it to feel like autumn for the first time.
But at least it's here.

FinALLy.

Faith

One must also have faith to grow flowers...

~ Stella Walthall Patterson

- - - - -

I think that the quote above represents what George Michael meant when he wrote:

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you 
                  -- "Faith" - 1987

(pause)

Of course, I suppose there are different kinds of faith.

Eating

Cooking is at once child's play and adult's joy.

~ Craig Claiborne

- - - - -

They say you shouldn't play with your food, but I think maybe it's okay to have food with your play. Otherwise - uh, what about dinner theater?!

Hammock

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

~ Zach Galifianakis

- - - - -

The peep standoff continued for several hours. The sun beat down on them. They knew none of them would last. They also knew none of them were going to back down when it came to the hammock. What they failed to realize (mainly due to poor eye sight) was that none of them - even in attached groups of four - would ever enjoy the hammock. They would fall through to the ground.

There was no relaxation to be had. Not in the midst of conflict. Not in the hammock. No where. 

There was no privacy, either. They were forever bound to at least three other peeps - maybe more if they stayed in the sun much longer.

"So THAT'S why," Wilbert thought to himself, 'There's no such saying as 'To peep his own.'"

Wilbert was wise, but the others didn't want to hear any more from him, so he decided to keep his wisdom to himself.

Fear

Laughter is poison to fear.

~ George R. R. Martin

- - - - -

You know what else is poison to fear? Antifreeze. At least it is if Fear is the name of a skunk - and that could be a thing. Fear the skunk.

Evil

If I exorcise my devils, all my angels may go, too.

~ Tom Waits

- - - - -

I'm surprised there is as much evil in the world as there appears to be. One would think with people recommending 20 minutes of exorcise at least three times a week that we'd be rid of a lot of it.

Lullabies

You are my sun,

my moon,

and all of my stars.

~ e. e. cummings

- - - - -

The first time Leslie met Ezra, she sang to him. 
She sang the Bill Murray lyrics to "Star Wars" from Saturday Night Live (Episode 56 which aired during season three).

I don't know what that does to a baby, but hold on because we're about to find out!

Fair

Life's not fair. Why should it be?

~ Margaret Atwood

- - - - -

I don't know why they call it a fair. I don't think it's fair that I have to wait in line. I don't think that it's fair that rides cost money. I don't think that it's fair that they frickin' clowns EVERYWHERE.

Trapped

Yeah, as long as we know we're trapped 

we still have a chance to escape.

~ Sara Grant

- - - - -

I love this photo. In it we see a kid with a bug trapped under her had. She is riding on a school bus. Just as the bug is trapped under her hand, the kid is trapped in the school system and perpetuates privilege and power and diminishes her senses of agency and independence. 

Or maybe this was a bus headed to entomology camp. 

Joy

Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain.

~ Joseph Campbell

- - - - -

If you pay attention, you can see little signs of joy everywhere. If you don't pay attention they are still there, but you are missing out. And if you dwell on missing out on the little signs of joy then you're going to miss more of them. It's like a vicious circle. A vicious circle with a smiley face if you pay attention. And if you don't...  Well, there - you just made my point.

Sleeep

Sleep is the best meditation

~ The Dalai Lama

- - - - -

If you are ever out driving and you find yourself behind this car, be careful. There are a couple of things that could happen: 1. The driver could be asleep and cause and accident. 2. The driver could be a hypnotist and put you to sleep and you could cause an accident.

(pause)

Those are the only two possible things that could happen, so be careful.

Children

Children learn to smile from their parents.

~ Shinichi Suzuki

- - - - -

Sometimes when the kid with the cape says everyone should wear party hats, you wear party hats. Unless you're the baby brother. Then you don't have to. That's because the baby brother is the boss of everyone. He doesn't even realize his power.

But the kid with the cape realizes his power. And she is not always pleased about it. When he gets a little older she'll explain how things are SUPPOSED to work around here, buddy!

Barn

What is a farm but a mute gospel?

Ralph Waldo Emerson

- - - - -

Ken came from a family of very introverted barns. They sat. They held hay. They sheltered animals. They stored tools. Didn't say much. Didn't thrive on drama. Quiet, calm, simple barns.

But Ken wasn't like the others. He had bigger dreams and needed more out of his day than watching the sun rise and later watching the sun set. He wanted action. He wanted distraction. He wanted the satisfaction of the occasional infraction.

Ken was a different kind of barn. In fact the elders could be heard whispering to one another with disappointment and disdain in their voices, "That Ken... he was barn to be wild."

Breakfast

The land of embarrassment and breakfast.

~ Julian Barnes

- - - - -

Breakfast might be the most important meal of the day, but you forget that if it's dinner time and you're hungry.

In that case maybe breakfast is the most self-important meal of the day.

Karma

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply; by the lives they lead.

~ Edith Wharton

- - - - -

Karma is a mystery. You don't know when it's going to happy and you don't always realize why it's going to happen. 

Like this text. I have no idea what it was about.

Bats

Wind warns November's done with. 

The blown leaves make bat-shapes,

Web-winged and furious.

~ Sylvia Plath

- - - - -

When we were in Canada, I went and got Leslie. I said, "Um... can you come with me? I think there are a couple of bats in the other room." There had been bats in the cabin in past years, so it seemed believable.

When I showed her these two bats, she was not amused.

I just don't know what's wrong with Leslie sometimes. Sometimes I DO know what's wrong and it's usually because of something I have said, but this time... I have to tell you - I was at a loss.

Learning

Success isn't about the end result. 

It's about what you learn along the way.

~ Vera Wang

- - - - -

I learned that whoever had this magazine before me doesn't understand the concept of crossword puzzles.

Zak

It would be judicious to act with magnanimity towards a prostrate foe.

~ Zachary Taylor

- - - - -

Today is Zak's birthday.
He is two years old.
He was named in honor of Zachary Taylor the 12th president of the United States. His parents both desperately hope Zak will grow up to be a member of the Whig party and reluctantly run for president.

That's not true. I made it up.

But take a look at the photo below and you will notice a striking resemblance between Zak Boettcher and Zachary Taylor. It's a little creepy.

Happy birthday, Zak.

Boettcher.

Fireplace

My passions have never jumped out of the fireplace and set fire to the carpet.

~ Mason Cooley

- - - - -

Fireplace.

So why isn't a sink or tub a "waterplace?" 
Why isn't a closet a "clothes place?" 
Why isn't a refrigerator a "foodplace?" 
Why isn't a bank going to give me a bunch of free money?

Barn

Having been let out of the barn once, I know I wouldn't be happy if I were at home all the time.

~ Meryl Streep

- - - - -

I love to drive around and take pictures.  I like to take pictures of barns.  You'd think that would be a relatively risk-free endeavor.  You can usually get a good picture of a barn just by pulling slightly off the road and taking the photo without even getting out of your car.

Well, sometimes there is more to it than that...  Like the time I pulled off and took a picture of a barn. Then as I was driving (in the middle of no where) I was being pursued.  It took me a while to know for sure that I was being followed, but when I realized that was the case, I pulled over next to a house where a guy was out mowing his yard.

The van behind me pulled up and the man and woman said, "You gonna go back and get the kittens you dumped in that barn?!"

After a brief discussion, I convinced them I was not a cat-dumper type of person.  Well, I don't know if I convinced them or not, but we concluded our dialogue.

Now, as if that wasn't strange enough, the next week I shared this story in class.  Afterward I got a message from one of the people in class that a friend of hers had a cat and kittens stolen.  She wondered if I could share where the barn was in case it was the same cat and kittens.  I shared and she said it was probably too far from where her friend had lived to be the same cat and kittens.

I could write something about curiosity and cats, but that would be cliche.

Instead, I'll share that those people who chased me around on those dirt roads freaked me out. 

I should have taken a picture of them... though I suspect that would not have deescalated the situation.

Mailboxes

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

~ Steve Buscemi

- - - - -

You might think that the dramatic increase in the number of mailbox doors that are stolen is because people aren't reporting the damage. You'd be wrong. They ARE reporting the damage, unfortunately they are doing it by sending letters and without doors on their mailboxes the letters all blow away.

Ready

The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms. Very often it does not know what to do with genius.

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

- - - - -

I saw this in South Carolina last fall. I love seeing things like this. I have never seen anything like this before, so I guess I just loved seeing this thing.

I don't think they were roadside casket-sellers, but they may have been. I wasn't ready to go up and ask for more information.

Sitting

If I had a free afternoon I would, play music, 

sit in my backyard, and drink coffee.

~ Aja Naomi King

- - - - -

Is there any such thing as a "free" afternoon? I'm not sure. Ultimately, everything comes with a cost. Especially receipts.

Ribs

Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.

~ Alfred A Montapert

- - - - -

I think "breakfast ribs" is a good idea. Who wouldn't jump out of bed in the morning if they knew they were getting ribs for breakfast?

Maybe vegans. But vegans are full of contradictions. Like carrot cake. Carrot cake isn't vegan. You probably could make it vegan somehow...  but then it wouldn't be very good carrot cake. That is, if you believe in such a things as "very good carrot cake."

I do believe in that. I also believe the "breakfast ribs" is a good idea.

Family

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

- - - - -

So I spent a day working the garage. I cleaned and organized the garage. I stained some furniture. I liked it. Well, other than my allergies. I didn't like that.

It reminded me of my dad and how he used to say, "Why don't you go clean out the garage?" And how we didn't have a garage.

Fancy

I'm not fancy. I'm what I appear to be.

~ Janet Reno

- - - - -

I think that this guy serving the Past and the sandwich is fancy. In fact, the sandwich itself is kind of fancy. I hope that this guy is serving himself the fancy sandwich and the Pabst. I hope he works as a plumber or a lumberjack and he comes home at night and gets cleaned up and dressed up and serves himself a fancy sandwich and a Pabst beer.

I'd like to know what that guy's dreams are. I bet they are pretty noteworthy.

Frank

It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.

~ Mignon McLaughlin

- - - - -

I mostly like frank humans. But if you see someone being frank and drinking out of a huge beer holder, they are NOT a frank human. They are a frank and stein human.

Also, I mostly don't need you to be a frank human with me in terms of what you think about this post.

Radio

In radio you have two tools: sound and silence.

~ Ira Glass

- - - - -

Unless it's a clock radio. Then you also have the tool of time. 

Entrance

Look on every exit as being an entrance to somewhere else.

~ Tom Stoppard

- - - - -

This sign outrages me.
I don't think the place should ban just bullies from America. We need to say no to bullies from everywhere. I'm anti-bullying on a global level.

Scary

Nothing scares me more than people with some doll collection.

~ Karl Lagerfeld

- - - - -

Really, Karl?!  REALLY??

I don't believe that for a second. While I don't enjoy dolls, and I wonder about people who collect them, there are lots of things more scary than that.

I think maybe Karl Lagerfeld is a liar.

Also... Happy birthday, Karl Lagerfeld.

Sarcastic

It's hard to find any good quotes about being sarcastic.

~ Michelle Boettcher

- - - - -

You know, you can't spell "sarcastic" without "care." Well, you can if you want to spell sarcastic right, but what's the fun in that.

Maybe I should say, "You know, you can't spell 'sarcastic' without 'scar.'"

Yep. That's about right.

Mom

Perhaps it takes courage to raise children.

~ John Steinbeck

- - - - -

My mom is a good sport. She has to be with her children. I would say it takes a lot of patience, but ye reap what ye sow, Mom. Ye sowed us. And forced us to use the pronoun "ye."

But in addition to sarcasm and practical jokes, we also do nice things for her. Like when we helped with her iPad. She was pretty grateful. I know that is true because I heard her tell someone on the phone, "They put candy something on my iPad." If that's not gratitude, I don't know what is.

It's possible I don't know exactly what gratitude is.