Buy

We used to build civilizations. Now we build shopping malls.

~Bill Bryson

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The following is a sample of strange and disturbing items I have seen available for purchase.

I believe it was Ellen DeGeneres who said that a lot of anything is scary. While true, I would argue that even one of these demon-looking elves scares me.

For the "collector of ceramic exotic animal heads" in your life.

This is just cruel. How could one possibly choose between "Popeye Forever" and "Ultimate Popeye?" And, I wonder, does anyone really seek out Popeye, or does he just serve as filler in our animated entertainment lives?

I've said it before and I'll say it again... The "Hugglie" may be warm and comfortable, but you would be hard pressed to convince me that it's safe to wear it around open flame.

"Soiled?"

Prem: When you want Spam, but can't quite afford it. You'll find it in your local grocery next to the Vienna Sausages.

"Why thank you, Billy," Grandma said. "This will look just lovely teetering on the edge of my very high mantle." Billy was not fooled. He knew that she didn't like the beautiful lounging girl figurine he had purchased and that it was only a matter of time until Grandma called with the very sad news that her cat Buster had toppled the figure to the floor below where it shattered.

"I'm so distraught," his grandmother would lie. "Please don't buy me another. It wouldn't be the same and would serve only to remind me of how sad I am right now after the loss of the first figurine."

Billy hated his grandmother.

Everything looks better with bottle caps glued on it.

When I buy my hot chili pops, I don't buy just ANY bag of hot chili pops. No sir-ee. Mine are organic, or I'm not buying them at all!

Finally, this little doozie. Things like this are why St. Patrick's Day will never become a major gift-giving holiday. Never.