Interviews

In most cases, the best strategy for a job interview is to be fairly honest because the worst thing that can happen is that you won't get the job and will spend the rest of your life foraging for food in the wilderness and seeking shelter underneath a tree or the awning of a bowling alley that has gone out of business.

~ Lemony Snickett

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Being "fairly honest" in an interview is good advice. Example below:

Interview question: Tell us about your leadership skills.

Fairly Honest Reply: I try to always work with my teams in a collaborative way to achieve the goals that we have set. I solicit feedback and am as transparent as possible as we or others make decisions that impact the work of our team.

Completely Honest Reply: (start with a fairly honest reply above). But also, when I was on the safety patrol in elementary school, I was much more dictatorial. I mean, those children's safety was in MY hands. They needed to listen to me! I was responsible for getting them to and from school safely every day. They can't stop to pet a dog or pick up a nickel when they're crossing the street. They needed to get the hell across the street to safety! Sometimes, I yelled. It was because I took my work so seriously. I mean, in that context, I really was the boss of them. The boss of their safety.

Reading

Teaching your dog to "read" is an advanced trick that will surprise and impress your friends and family.

~ The American Kennel Club

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It also surprises my dog that I am teaching her to read. If teaching her to read is looking at pictures and asking her not to chew on the books and magazines.

Which, honestly, is probably how most of us were taught to read.

 

Children

Don't you ever ask them "Why?"

If they told you would cry...

~ Graham Nash

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He was only a small child when they first sent him out to mow the lawn. They didn't give him a real mower, just a little plastic toy. Later that night they reprimanded him for doing such a poor job. They thought it would build  strength of character. 

They were wrong, it built a desire for revenge.

He was a patient boy who grew to be a patient man. He waited until they were old and decrepit. Then, when the time was right and their backs were aching and their bodies wracked with the other pains of old age, he snuck over to their house and put 13,291 plastic forks in their yard. 

Everyone had a good laugh. The local paper even sent a photographer and that photograph was on the front page of the local paper.

When they called him to come and help them remove the forks, all they got was a voice mail message that said, "Forks in the road are nothing compared to forks in the lawn." They never saw him again.

Years later, on a quiet beach in Belize, the grandfather would tell his grandchildren, you don't need to mow a lawn to have character. That's why I live on the beach. The grandchildren didn't understand and soon thereafter put him in a retirement home where someone could look after him while they had a huge party at his beach house. One of the grandchildren considered their situation and asked, "Why does grandpa have all these plastic spoons and knives and no forks?"

The moral of the story is, children are awful to old people.

Eventually.

Writing

A writer, I think, is someone who pays attention to the world.

~ Susan Sontag

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Me: There's a lot of wisdom in my blog.

Leslie: (laughing) Mm Hm.

Me: 

Leslie: I mean, that's why you started writing it, right?

Me: Yes, it's just the wisdom surprises me sometimes.

Leslie: (laughing)

Me:

Leslie:

Me:

(Sometimes there is power in the silence.)

(Sometimes there is just silence in the silence.)
 

Push

You have to push through every difficulty to achieve the goal.

~ Laila Gifty Akita

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You know how people sometimes say to you, "KNOCK IT OFF!! YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO PUSH MY BUTTONS!!!" and they seem all angry about it? They aren't angry at all. If they have buttons, they must be a robot and robots can't be angry, so don't worry about it.

And if they say, "KNOCK IT OFF!! YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO PUSH MY BELLY BUTTON!!!" and they seem all angry about it, a good way to calm them down is to take a deep breath and tell them what Mom always used to say to us growing up -- "It's not a belly button, it's a navel."

That should do it.

Work

No great achievement is possible without persistent work.

~ Bertrand Russell

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What if instead of Labor Day being a day we celebrated and appreciated the hard work of people... What if Labor Day was the only day of the year anyone worked?

(pause)

Chaos, that's what. That is not a good idea. Get to work on a better idea. That one was not good at all.
 

Below

As above, so below, as within, so without.

~ Alyson, Noel

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I wish signs like this weren't necessary. This place is called an overLOOK not an overTHROW. Of course, if you wanted to take over the government and get rid of signs like this, that's a whole other kind of overthrow. As is a bad throw from the catcher to second base to stop the runner if the ball goes way over the second base player's head. I've done that sometimes, but I used to be pretty good at that throw. It's still my favorite play in baseball or softball.

(pause)

What were we talking about?

Going

It is a tremendous act of violence to begin anything. I am not able to begin. I simply skip what should be the beginning.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

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Often when I have to go on a trip - mainly a work trip - I get a lot of anxiety before I leave. Most of the time, once I get there, I'm fine. It has gotten worse as I have gotten older. Leslie said that maybe it's some leftover stuff from the pandemic. I know I like my house and the creatures that live there, so I know leaving them is not something I look forward to. It could be the pandemic thing. It could be because I'm so introverted. 

Anyway, I'd better get going, or I'll be late.

But what if I just skipped..?

 

Intention

It's just a matter of putting intention to intuition.

~ Will Guidara

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The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but I bet there are a lot of potholes in that road.

Stop

Times New Roman is the most decisive of fonts.

~ Abbott Elementary

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You'd think they'd use that font on stop signs.
 

Nearby

He who lives in our mind is near though he may actually be far away; but he who is not in our heart is far, though he may really be nearby.

~ Chanakya

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Lily is always in my mind and in my heart. She is also nearly always nearby. 

I love having a dog.

(I know this may not seem like a profound post, but it is a profound truth.)

Fortune

In the end, all things will be known.

~ A fortune cookie I got when I had lunch with Myles last summer

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I have known difficult times. I have struggled sometimes. Not as much as some. More than others. I have been fortunate, however, never to be in such a state of despair that I swiped a fortune cookie from the grocery store just to double-check on the future. 

I hope it all worked out for you, whoever you are.

 

Student

Some people are

so much sunshine

to the square inch.

~ Walt Whitman

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They say teachers shouldn't have a favorite student. Maybe. They don't say anything about teachers not having a least favorite student.

Thank goodness for that.

 

Alley

Easy Street is a blind alley.

~ Wilson Mizner

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Person 1: I thought Easy Street was Bruce Springsteen's band.

Person 2: No. That's "E Street"

Person 1: Oh. And blind alley is...

Person 2: A pointless direction or going in a certain direction mistakenly.

Person 1: Oh. I thought a blind alley was where they hang curtains partway down the bowling alley so you can't see the pins.

Person 2: (silence)

Person 1: I just made that u---

Person 2: I know.

Person 1: This was a nice talk.

Person 2: Talking with you is a blind alley.

Person 1: I like to think that talking with me is easy and without worries. Talking with me is E Street. (pause) Hey. Where are you going?

Sign

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

Blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind

Do this.

Don't do that.

Can't you read the sign?

~ Les Emmerson

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When you see a fence or a sign that says you can't go somewhere, you want to go there more, right? That's because there is something interesting there. I'm not telling you to ignore the signs, I'm just assuring you there is something there you would be interested in. Of course, that thing could be someone screaming at you to get out of there. Still, those things can make for some pretty good stories. But I'm not telling you to ignore signs. I'm not the boss of you. 

I sure do wonder what's over there, though.

Don't you..?

Shows

If television's a baby sitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

~ Dorothy Gambrell

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I don't know what kids think when they watch television. I keep asking them, but they ignore me or else say, "BE QUIET, I'M WATCHING MY SHOW!"

Personally, I think that kind of comment is a sign of maturity because when I ask old people why they watch TV, they ignore me or else say, "BE QUIET, I'M WATCHING MY SHOW!"

The more we change, the more stay the same or also the more we do not change.

Salt

In our community, there was always salt, pepper, and love.

~ Miss Linda, the Yakamein Lady

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Some spices and seasonings are fussy. They are showy or have to be handled with special care or, at the other extreme, may be kind of worthless in the long run. On this planet, the thing I think is the most noble, worthy, and unfussy is probably salt. Salt really is salt of the earth.

Bus

I hated school. Even to this day, when I see a school bus, it's just depressing to me. The poor little kids.

~ Dolly Parton

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One time I dreamt that I was going to one of the NCAA women's basketball tournament games. For some reason, I didn't get to go. Instead, I ended up riding a bus home with some of the cast from Abbott Elementary. I'm really glad that show is on or else I might not have known everyone who was on the bus with me.

 

Interruptions

Maybe that's what life is -- just a series of interruptions.

~ Rose Walker, The Sandman

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Me: I think life is more --

Lily: WAIT! Did you see that?

Me: See what?

Lily: That squirrel!

Me: No. Life is more than just --

Lily: There it is again! That squirrel!

Me: Stop. Life is more than --

Lily: HI, SQUIRREL!!! HI!!

Me: Lifeismorethanjustaseriesofinterrup--

Lily: I LOVE SQUIRRELS! Let me out so I can play with the squirrel!

Me: --tions. (sigh) Unless you're a dog.

Librarian

The librarian is the most important educator in the school. What she doesn't know, she can find out. This is not an opinion, it's a fact. Do not share this fact with Mrs. Mudford.

~ Bonnie Garmus

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If you doubt the fact in the quote above, go to the library and ask a librarian to find out if it is true. She will. And she will tell you that it is, in fact, the truth.