Lunch

Destiny may ride with us today, but there's no reason for it to interfere with lunch.

~ Peter the Great

- - - - -

If anyone ever serves you lunch and asks you, "Is it chicken or is it cauliflower?" it's cauliflower. Otherwise they would say, "This is chicken." If they ask, it's always cauliflower. 

Signs

Life is a crap carnival with shit prizes.

~ Stephen King

- - - - -

Sometimes we have to stop shit to move on. Stop negative self talk. Stop hanging around with toxic people. Stop using APA 6th Edition because now there is APA 7th Edition. Stop making new APA editions... etc.

Rocks

When you see a rock coming, it hurts less. 

~ Greek Proverb

- - - - -

I'm not sure the same holds true for trains or trucks or buses.

Walking

In the morning, I work for three hours then go for long walks in the afternoon - my thinking time.

~ Stephen King

- - - - - -

The other morning Leslie came in and I was sitting at my desk on the computer. Holding towels and the bathroom rug, she said, "I'm having a hard time this morning."

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I can't get started and you've been at your desk for a half an hour and you've probably written two articles."

I encouraged her to come and look at what I was working on - my blog.

"Still..." she said.

Just a week or so earlier, she had shared with me an article the gist of which was, "Exercise first, then write." I shared that it was better for her to do something for a half an hour and then sit down to work than to sit down and work and do nothing productive for 60 minutes.

I did this to share back to her the wisdom that she shared with me. And also to make myself not feel so crummy for not writing two articles in the 30 minutes I'd been at my computer.

Truck

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck, he apologizes to the truck.

~ Jackie Mason

- - - - -

That's not me at all. I'm not an Englishman. If I get run down by a truck, I'm not going to lie to you - I'd probably just die. Well, if "run down by a truck" means what I think it means. Even if I had a few final words, they would NOT be, "Sorry truck."

Lights

Later that night when the lights went out of sight

Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

~ Gordon Lightfoot

- - - - -

I wonder if Edmund had a sister named Ella.

Sally

That's enough with the "What if..?" questions.

~ Sally Deters

- - - - -

Sally is someone I admire. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to tell people to shut up without actually saying, "Shut up." I also learned how to tell people to shut up by saying, "Shut up."

She's a great teacher.

Dragon

Never laugh at live dragons.

~ J. R. R. Tolkein

- - - - -

And only laugh at dead dragons if they died in non-tragic ways. Like if a dragon died trying to rescue baby kittens from a flood, don't laugh at that dragon.

Why do I even have to tell you these things? What is WRONG with you?

Moonshine

We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.

~ H. L. Mencken

- - - - -
Moonshine on my shoulders makes me happy. No. Wait. That's SUNSHINE. Moonshine on my shoulders makes me angry at whoever spilled that on me. (And we all know I'm probably talking about Leslie. I put that part in parentheses so she won't know I wrote it.)

Library

When in doubt, go to the library.

~ Ron Weasley

- - - - -

So when Leslie worked at the library at Duquesne, she said that there was a campus police officer who told her, "Libraries attract perverts."

This is why I don't have one of those tiny library box things in my front yard.

Clowns

Clowns drink to drown out the ravages of terrifying children for a living.

~ Douglas Coupland

- - - - -

"You're it!"

Don't ignore kids when you hear them yelling this. They could be talking to Pennywise and that is NOT something you want to ignore.

Heads

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

~ Steve Martin

- - - - -

I've heard it said that two heads are better than one. But what about three or four heads? And does the value of those heads change if they are not connected to bodies? I suspect yes, but that remains to be seen.

(pause)

Depending on what dark turns my life takes in the future, this could definitely serve as a "red flag" blog post. 

Fans

Shit, meet Fan. Fan, this is Shit.

~ David Mitchell

- - - - -

You know that saying had to come about because it actually happened somewhere. I don't think you come up with "the shit hit the fan," out of your imagination. Someone actually experienced shit hitting a fan one time. It's not like you hear about "the sandwich bread bag of urine hit the sidewalk from the fourth floor window" just randomly. 

Well, except maybe for here.

Giraffe

I saw a giraffe with a short neck

That was sad... or a deer.

~ Bo Burnham

- - - - -

When I was little we had a Mr. Rogers album about Josephine the short-necked giraffe. She wanted a longer neck or probably just wanted to be taller. Anyway, as I recall, the message was that giraffes' don't have any clue how to dream big. 

(pause)

Well, in this case maybe she literally was dreaming about being big, but that's not what I mean.

Smile

Look back and smile on perils past.

~ Sir Walter Scott

- - - - -

Look ahead and smile on perils of the future. Look around and smile at perils of the present. Unless those perils include bears. I think you're supposed to do something else if you see a bear.

Roommates

What I love most about my home is who I share it with.

~ Tad Carpenter

- - - - -

It's a good idea if you are considering moving in with someone or getting a new roommate, to ask them if they ever eat Brussels sprouts and egg salad at the same time. If they say yes, ask them if they leave the house for a few hours after they do that. If they say no, think long and hard about moving in with them or letting them move in with you.

Moments

All that is important is this one moment in movement. Make the moment important, vital, and worth living. Do not let it slip away unnoticed and unused.

~ Martha Graham

- - - - -

Every moment is important, but that doesn't mean you should try to stay awake for ALL of them.

Children

Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes and impression

~ Haim Ginott

- - - - -

Someone asked for movie suggestions for a three-year-old. I was going to suggest "A Clockwork Orange" and say that it teaches about telling time and colors, but I don't know the person well enough to know if they would know it was a joke.

Too bad because it is a super funny joke.

Easter Island

There are so many doors to open. I am impatient to begin.

~ Daniel Keyes

- - - - -

There's an Easter Island, but no Tooth Fairy Island. 

(pause)

That seems about right. Who would go to a Tooth Fairy Island?

Peeps

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

~ Ernest Hemingway

- - - - -
Sometimes when my parents would get annoyed with me they would say, "I don't want another peep out of you!"

This was particularly true when I was projectile vomiting Peeps.

Party

No party is fun unless seasoned with folly.

~ Desiderius Erasmus

- - - - -

I'm thinking that now is the perfect time for me to send out invites to a big party at my house. No one can come because of the pandemic. That means that the day of the party, I don't have to think, "Why did I plan this party? It seemed like a good idea, but now I just want to stay home and not have company." Plus, everyone in the future will say, "Aw, shucks. It's too bad you couldn't have that party at your house. I bet it would have been great." I get credit for trying to be social without ever having to be social.

It's kind of a perfect party scenario for me.

Communication

Precision of communication is important, more important than ever, in our era of hair trigger balances, when a false or misunderstood word may create as much disaster as a sudden thoughtless act.

~ James Thurber

- - - - -

Leslie: I hate it when people post suspenseful things on Facebook. Like my friend just posted, "Rushed to the hospital at 1:30 a.m.!!" and nothing else.

Me: Well, for me it depends on if they're asking for something --

Leslie: PRAYERS! She's asking for prayers! But am I praying for tonsils or a heart attack? Because I'm going to pray differently for those.

Lock

We are chained by our own control. Life is nothing more than finding the key that unlocks every part of our soul.

~ Shannon Adler

- - - - -

Except if you're Harry Houdini. In that case life is nothing more than finding the key to the locks that are on the chains that have you bound in that tank full of water. 

Window

Many a doctrine is like a window pane. We see truth through it, but it divides us from truth.

~ Kahlil Gibran

- - - - -

I see all these posts right now of people visiting other people and talking to them through their windows. People going to retirement homes to see parents or grandparents, people visiting each other, but maintaining social distance.

And yet, when I do that to try and get to know my neighbors, they get all mad about it. 

Hey, neighbor! I'm just trying to make this a FRIENDLY pandemic for us all. What the heck?!! Why did you even come to the window when I gently rapped on it in the middle of the night if you didn't want to chat?

Sheesh.

Perspective

If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

- - - - -

So... This is the photo from my post yesterday. I had written that post months ago. Today, the tissue box has a different meaning. In our current context of TP hoarding by people who have not yet developed an understanding of community - at least not in the way that I understand it - this message rings true in new ways. We have all had conversations about toilet paper and who has it and who doesn't and where to get it and how much to buy at a time. 

Instead of a box of tissues saying "I'm there..." maybe we should be saying that to each other. Maybe we should work hard to stand by one another all the time, but also especially in times of crisis like right now.

(pause)

Not that I want my community standing right next to me when I actually run out of toilet paper. I meant that more philosophically and less literally.

Toilet

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and have to explain, "Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad."

~ Ellen Degeneres

- - - - -

Any Leslie using a public bathroom is Leslie Stall.

Chickens

I like chicken a lot because chicken is generous - that is to say, it's obedient. It will do whatever you tell it to do. 

~ Maya Angelou

- - - - -

I like gas station chicken salad sandwiches a lot. It's not really the same as what I imagine Dr. Angelou was talking about, but both involve chicken.

Out

FOMO is the enemy of valuing your own time.

~ Andrew Yang

- - - - -

I do not have a fear of missing out (FOMO). I have a fear of going somewhere and there are people there I have to interact with (FOGSATAPTIHTIW). Maybe fear of going somewhere (FOGS) is an easier acronym to remember.

Restaurants

People who work in professional kitchens may love what they do, but sometimes it's just something that puts food on the table.

~ Alex Guarnaschelli

- - - - -

We all have our own priorities about restaurants. Some of us focus on the service. Some of the variety on the menu. Some on the plating. Some on the fries:

Laughter

Laughter is poison to fear.

~ George R. R. Martin

- - - - -

April Fool's Day is one of my favorite holidays. This year I am working from home. I do have a package that is going to Kirk and Jared and Zak so they can celebrate. I suppose I could post a joke or prank on social (distance) media.

Or I could just play a bunch of pranks on Leslie. I think she'd like sharing the holiday with me. And I think she'd love laughing at the funny things I would do. 

No, wait. That's me who would enjoy the laughing.

(pause)

I might play it kind of low key this year.