Messages

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, "Make me feel important." Never forget this message when working with people.

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I have been getting prank called by a fax machine. I don't speak fax, but I suspect the messages are filled with profanity.

Chimney

Have you noticed how nobody ever looks up? Nobody looks at chimneys, or trees against the sky, or the tops of buildings. Everybody just looks down at the pavement or their shoes. The whole world could pass them by, and most people wouldn't notice.

~ Julie Andrews

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There are a lot of places where old chimneys are left standing. I assume the houses they were a part of have fallen down or burned down or been taken down. If the people who own the land where these chimneys are are smart, they're hanging extra stockings on those chimneys during the holiday season. 

I think of Santa as the kind of person who -- even if a place isn't on the map -- Santa is going to stop there and leave something in case there is a problem with the map. He doesn't want to accidentally skip someone. That's just what I think. 

Smirk

Evil's lurking,

I can see him smirking.

~ Tupac Shakur

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"I was once told to avoid the word smirk in all writing," the writer wrote while smirking.

Quiet

In the old days, whoever spoke the quietest would win the argument.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

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In the old days, librarians won most of the arguments. 

(pause)

I guess that hasn't changed.

(pause)

Have you ever argued with a librarian? Trust me. You don't wanna.

Chickens

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

~ Gary Larson

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Chicken 1: Don't do it, Mildred!!!

Chicken 2: Why not?

Chicken 1: Because if you do, they are going to ask you about it for the REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE!

Photography

(photo from Realtor.com)

A good photograph is knowing where to stand.

~ Ansel Adams

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Photographers are the best. They put a little bit of themselves in every picture they take.

 

Lemon

But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, this would be an irrational fear, because lemon meringue pie is delicious and has never hurt a soul.

~ Lemony Snickett

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If you go into a restaurant and they have lemon merengue pie on the menu, be careful. If you order it, you're in for a BIG surprise. 

 

Nest

Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

~ Jonathan Swift

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I read one time that if you put a paper bag up near a wasp nest, the wasps will leave. Unless it's a bag from Trader Joe's because wasps love that place. 

Golf

It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took me one afternoon on the golf course.

~ Hank Aaron

- - - - -

 Me: How many golf planes are there in the entire world?

You: I don't know. How many golf planes are there in the entire world?

Me: Fore.

I'll wait here while you try to catch your breath from all the laughter.

Army

Go Army! Beat Navy!

~ American Proverb

- - - - -

Lily's friends Sonja and Zeb (and, at the time, her future friend Stella) sent her this toy. She did not immediately destroy it, which is highly unusual for Lily. 

A number of Leslie's friends suggested that Lily get a goat toy to chew up instead. 

So we did. 

Go Army!

 

Cash

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.

~ Johnny Cash

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I was talking with a friend recently about a job application. The posting asked for salary expectations. We chatted about it briefly. At the end of our exchange, I emailed the following.

And, yes, you don't want to say, "I'm making significantly less than what is posted, so you can pay me a mere pittance if you like."

First, you don't want to say that because you want to be paid well.

Second, you don't want to say that because it sounds like something from Charles Dickens.

Hanukkah

The proper response, as Hanukkah teaches, is not to curse the darkness but to light a candle.   

~ Irving Greenberg

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My nephew Zak is one of my favorite people. Last year when I visited him just before Hanukkah, we went out for tacos. At the taco place (Bird & Co. in Portland, ME - I highly recommend), there was a woman from Temple that Kirk knew. She taught Zak how to say "Hanukkah" in sign language. 

A few days later we were taking Zak to school. It was cold out, but we bundled up, and Kirk, Jared, Zak, and I piled in the car. Jared had been out of town, so Kirk said, "Oh, Zak! Show us how you learned to sign the word "Hanukkah" since Papa wasn't there." 

Zak smiled and held up his hands and signed the word perfectly. Or so I assume. He moved his hands correctly, but it's hard to tell if he was signing exactly right since he was wearing mittens.

Sleep

It's better to oversleep and miss the boat than get up early and sink.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

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One time I got up before 6:00 a.m. to go see the meteor shower, but I was too late and missed it, Seems I overlsept by about two weeks.

Monsters

Monsters don't need reasons.

~ Dark Winds

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I don't believe in monsters. I think, ultimately, it's far more important for them to believe in themselves.

 

Tortoise

Tortoises can tell you more about the road than hares.

~ Khalil Gibran

- - - - -
Maybe the tortoise lost the race with the hare not because it was slower, but because it tried to take a shortcut, but it's shell was too tall for it to slip under the gate. We never talk about that, do we Aesop?

Assawoman

Women, rather than building each other up and helping -- sometimes we tear each other down."

~ Allison Gabriel

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When I saw that we would be near this on our trip to Delaware, I decided I wanted to make sure I visited it. It's named after a person I know.

(pause)

Just kidding!

It's named after several people I know.

 

Clown

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human with the soul of a clown, which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

~ Jim Morrison

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I met a man once who tried to convince me that there are different kinds of clowns and that I was one of them. I forget which kind he said I was because I ran away with my hands over my ears yelling "I can't hear you! I can't hear you! I can't hear you!"

Shoes

I firmly believe that with the right footwear, one can rule the world.

~ Bette Midler

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As she typed a letter to her daughter, the old woman shared about a party some friends had thrown her for turning 78. "It was wonderful at first," she wrote. "It got rough when I blew out my birthday cankles." 

Her daughter assumed it was a mistake. Her mother had always suffered from asthma, so blowing out birthday candles had historically been a challenge.

It was not a mistake. Her mother walked with a limp the rest of her days.

Books

There are some extra-ordinary things in books.

~ H. G. Wells

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I was recently listening to an audiobook It involved a narrator with a British accent and a character named Jenna Taylor. I swear it sounded like the reader was saying "genitalia" over and over.

I've never giggled at a murder mystery more.

 

MANnequin

My signature scent is naivete.

~ William Bell

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The scene: Two people watching TV.

Person 1: (about a character on a show) The thing I don't like about him is, you know he has to be wearing some kind of cologne that's stinky. I don't know what that cologne is called, but I know what it smells like.

End Scene.

Mantis

The Greek word mantis means "prophet" or "seer." Because of the way the insects hold up the fronts of their bodies and position their huge forelegs when at rest, it appears as though they are praying for insight.

~ George and Becky Lohmiller

- - - - -

 This was the smallest praying mantis I had ever screen. I mean seen.

(see what I did there?)

Water

If there is magic on this planet, it is contained in water.

~ Loren Eiseley

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Animals can teach us so much. They can't really teach us how to swim, though because they can't talk. They also are bad at teaching math.

Beer

This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the lord has intended a more divine form of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to His bounty by learning about beer.

~ Friar Tuck

- - - - -

So, we go to a lot of breweries. Each one tells its own story through the beer it makes. And just like stories, not all beers are good. Also like stories, some are very good. And also like stories sometimes you accidentally spill them and get them all over yourself and other people. But then there are usually napkins around somewhere.

(pause)

What was I saying?

 

Today

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength

~ Corrie Ten Boom

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I remember not so long ago when everyone posted their Wordle results on social media. Have we become such a cold and uncaring society that we no longer worry about one another's Wordles?! 

Yes. Yes, I believe we have.

Friends

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

~ Richard Bach

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I really love these two. They go on amazing adventures and sometimes even take me along. You see how cute they are? Well, let me tell you the truth. They aren't always this cute. Especially when they don't laugh at my jokes.

(pause)

Which, I just realized, is maybe why sometimes they need some adventures without me.

Gratitude

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

~ George Gobel

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Me: (to Leslie while watching TV) I absolutely love whoever came up with "Skip Intro."
 

Note

Writers live twice.

~ Natalie Goldberg

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Leslie writes notes and leaves them around the house. The thing is, I never know if they are reminders to do chores or if they are potential band names.

Vegetables

A vegetable garden in the beginning looks so promising, and then after all, it grows little by little, nothing but vegetables, nothing, nothing but vegetables.

~ Gertrude Stein

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When I was a kid, I had a play kitchen. There was a stove my dad made for me, and mom painted it so it looked like a stove. And my grandmother owned a furniture store. When it closed, we got the pretend food they put in the refrigerators they were trying to sell.

I remember I had a plaster of paris cluster of celery. 

I can't imagine that sold a lot of refrigerators.

Maybe that's why Grandma sold the furniture store.

Food

The history of pot likker dates back to enslaved cooks trying to make the most of the food they had... keeping the rich and flavorful liquid created by cooking a pot of greens or beans.

~ Amy Barnes

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I thought it was "pot likker" or "potlikker." Then I saw on captioning that someone put "pot liquor." That seemed wrong, but I guess it's okay, too.

If you use the rich and flavorful liquid created by cooking a pot of pork butt, you are left with butt likker. 

Fly

The idiom a fly in the ointment is meant to describe a minor flaw or problem that spoils an otherwise excellent situation.

~ Candace Osmond

- - - - -

That idiom doesn't make sense to me. Doesn't it equate and "excellent situation" with ointment? Although if you have a rash and the ointment helps, that probably is pretty excellent.

Also, I don't particularly care for the word "ointment."
 

Farming

Whether conventional, sustainable, young, old, or tired, farmers are fascinating thinkers.

~ Polly Dalton

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The book farmer's harvest was challenging. You could never know for sure if the books were ripe or not without opening each one. You see, you can't just a book by its cover. 
 

Cafe

The cafe was a special benefit to bachelors, unfortunate people, and consumptives.

~ Carson McCullers

- - - - -

While you come together to eat with people and build connections, sustain connections, or pretend connections over food or drink, it is through cafes and coffeehouses (cafe comes from the word coffee) that you build community. You can see everyone eating around you. You can see passersby.

I'm sure there are exceptions to my statements, but for those of you who are looking for an exception so you can call me out, I don't choose to build community with you, anyway. 

Silence

She's about to say, "I respect your work," but instead decides she will just stop talking. Men do that all the time, she reasons, and men rule the world.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

- - - - -

Why in the world is it "mansplaining" when "manswers" is so much easier?

Storefronts

A breeze, a forgotten summer, a smile, all can fit into a storefront window.

~ Dejan Stojanovic

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Leslie: (watching the pilot for "Suits") What's this about? Are they attorneys?

Me: No. I don't think so. I think they run a habadashery and make men's clothes. 

Leslie: You're an idiot.

Me: Shh! I'm watching this show.
 

Tree

The antidote to exhaustion isn't rest. It's nature.

~ Shikoba

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I read a thing on social media today that said, "Allow yourself 8-12 hours of alone time sitting in nature in the morning to mentally prepare for the day." That's pretty funny.

If everyone did that, the world would probably be a better place. I could get a lot done in the mornings because I'd have fewer emails.

Boats

Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat.

~ Jean Paul Sartre

- - - - -

When a writer is stuck and about to give up on a character, a scene, or an entire work, they have to give it one more chance. They have to write a little bit more. They have to try before letting go of the people and worlds they have created. For writers, this kind of writing is called a "life draft."

Nielsen

Value what you know and start charging for it.

~ Kim Garst

- - - - -

This is money the Nielsens sent me to share my thoughts. 

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Nielsen family - which was weird since our next door neighbors' last name was Nielsen. But that's not what I mean. I wanted to be the kind of Nielsen family who decides what is on TV and the radio. I got to do that recently. I was compensated for my time. 

Don't blame me for what is on or not on TV, though. I don't think they listened to me.

Sunset

Never go too long without watching a sunset.

~ Atticus

- - - - -

I love sunsets. I love sunrises. Sun mid-day is a little less exciting unless there is an eclipse or a rainbow. Kind of like people. They're pretty interesting at the beginning and the end. In the middle they mostly are just going to work a lot and not as interesting to watch.

 

Frost

Wine gives a man nothing... it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost.

~ Samuel Johnson

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Well, that's terrifying, Samuel. There are a lot of people I know whom I would prefer kept that stuff locked up. 

Writing

If you write poetry, it's your own fault.

~ Michael Covistey

- - - - -

And if you don't write poetry, well, that's probably your fault, too. But would you rather live life having tried to do something or not trying at all? This is about more than poetry.

But it is not about robbing banks.

 

Anger

Anger is a funny thing. And it does funny things to us if we keep it inside. I encourage you to consider a question: Who benefits, my dear, when you force yourself to not feel angry..? Clearly, not you.

~ Kelly Barnhill

- - - - -

Millicent (always Millicent, never Millie) kept a lot of rage inside. As she grew old, she would pride herself on both the fire of her fury and the fact that it never affected her outlook or outward appearance. no, Millicent had always looked that way.

Watching

Dogs are colorblind, Gretchen. They don't see color. Just like we don't see time. We can feel it. We can feel it passing, but we can't see it.

~ Stuart Besser (in Kate & Leopold)

- - - - -

Dogs may be colorblind, but they aren't smell of food blind. 

(pause)

If that's a thing. 

(pause)

If that IS a thing, but I bet it has a better name than "smell of food blind."

Roads

The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can, 

Pursuing it with eager feet, 

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

~ J. R. R. Tolkien

- - - - -

I think open roads are the best kind. Dead ends are not as good. And cult-de-sacs are the worst.

(pause)

No. That's not a typo. 

 

Hawk

Today [Cooper's Hawk] populations are thriving, owing to its ability to exploit human-altered landscapes. 

~ American Bird Conservancy

- - - - -

I have seen this Cooper's Hawk a few times in our yard. I guess I got old enough that I notice birds and look up information about them. I've always liked hawks, raptors, and those kinds of birds, but never understood people who watched other birds. And it seemed like all the elders in my world liked to watch birds.

I think it's because old people were alive when dinosaurs were alive and birds are the dinosaurs of today.

I should volunteer to teach science when I retire. 

Motivation

Motivation will almost always beat mere talent.

~ Norman Ralph Augustine

- - - - -

Motivation is being secured by each of us. Every day dedication must be made for us to be successful. Power is had by each of us for changes to be made. Doing it is something we can each do.

(pause)

Motivational speeches in passive voice aren't all that motivating.

 

Credit

All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the base of our splendid failure to do the impossible.

~ William Faulkner

- - - - -

I saw someone post a quote the other day. It said, "It's amazing what can be achieved when no one minds who gets the credit." It was attributed to an English footballer and manager. I've also seen it attributed to Ronald Reagan. Both of them likely said it but didn't give credit to Harry Truman. I believe he said it first.

However, it's kind of brilliant to take credit for this quote because if the quote is true, then who said it first really should not matter.

However, when it comes to this unicorn, rainbow bell, I think we need to know who created it. But it isn't necessarily "credit" I want to give them. 

Invisible

I don't know why people are so keen to put the details of their private life in public; they forget that invisibility is a superpower.

~ Banksy

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I recently read 1897's The Invisible Man by H. G. Wells. You'd think I would have read it before now. Anyway, a lot of people in that book had their hands/arms "akimbo." I don't remember if the Invisible Man held his arms akimbo, but then maybe you can't tell if he does that or not.

 

Going

If you do not know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.

~ Henry Kissinger

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Lily rarely knows where she is going because she doesn't drive or read maps. 

(pause)

Or maybe she ALWAYS knows where she's going because she is always going to have a good time.

(pause)

I love that dog.