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Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Bread

If you have extraordinary bread and extraordinary butter, it's hard to beat bread and butter.
~ Jacques Pepin
- - - - -
We stopped at an inn and restaurant one time. It was on a college campus and college students worked there. Our waitress came up. She was a first-year student and this was about her third day on campus. She said she was a little homesick, but really liked her job and the people she was working with.

Then she asked us if we wanted some of the house specialty for that particular inn / restaurant.

Waitress: Would you like to try the spoon bread? It's 70 years old!

Me: It's probably a little stale then, isn't it?

She stared at me blankly. 

I stared at her blankly.

The food was good even if her sense of humor lacked taste.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Fitting

It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
~ Arthur Conan Doyle
- - - - -
Once upon a time on a road trip, Leslie and I passed a "Jasmine Cain" trailer. We didn't know who that was, so I looked it up. Based on my preliminary research, she apparently sings at a lot of motorcycle-related events. That sort of fit with the images of her with motorcycles on the sides of the trailer.

Me: I didn't know there was a big market for music for motorcycle people. (pause) That's how out of the loop I am. I just called them "motorcycle people." There must be another name for that demographic other than "motorcycle people."

Leslie: Bikers.

Me: That would be it. 

(pause) 

Leslie: I bet "Jasmine Cain" isn't her real name. It's probably "Jasmine Chain."

Me: (pretending to read information online) Her real name is Hulgu McButtonstuff.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Mirth

I never get any protests from children. All I get are giggles of mirth and and squirms of delight. I know what children like.
~ Roald Dahl
- - - - -

Natalie gets more than giggles and squirms from children. One time she posted she got vomit, urine, and feces from them - all in a single day. 

(pause)

I bet there were some squirms in that mix, too. Maybe not of delight, though.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Photography

In photography there is a reality so subtle that it becomes more than reality.
~ Ansel Adams
- - - - -

Every time I'm flipping through TV channels and a I see a Polaroid and the show is called "Snapped," I think the show is about photography. It's not. It's about murders. Polaroids mean murders.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Enjoy

The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it.
~ Richard Bach
- - - - -

You know how computers are taking over the world? You know how algorithms tell us what to buy or for whom we should vote? I say we rebel against that. I say we stand up for our own likes and dislikes. I say we do it for ourselves and we do it for our future.

So when Netflix suggests that I would like 
Cheapest Weddings
Lock Up
Women Behind Bars
and 
Bad Santa II

I'm not going to watch those things! I'll watch what I WANT to watch. And if I happen to want to watch and enjoy Lock Up, that's MY choice - not you computers and machines and algorithms!

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Colors

Color is a power which directly influences the soul.
~Wassily Kandinsky
- - - - -

I showed Leslie a car that was the color of the car I almost bought. We talked about what they should dame the color - it was sort of gray and blue and maybe a little green. Leslie suggested "glacier silt" and I favored "stagnant pond."

We both have our fingers crossed we'll be hired to name paint colors for cars one day. 

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Tongue

Teach your child to hold his tongue. He'll learn fast enough to speak.
~ Benjamin Franklin
- - - - -

The other day I was in a crafts store. As I was waiting in line to check out, I heard a mother snap at her child who was licking an item he picked up in the check out line, "STOP THAT! That's disgusting! That thing is covered with sickness and diseases and stuff!"

"If she really believes that things in the store are covered with diseases," I thought, "Why does she shop here?"

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Bell

Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.
~ William Shakespeare
- - - - -

It seems like they might need more of this.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Boats

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
~ Mark Twain
- - - - -
Not sure, but since the Oconee Nuclear Station is pretty close to the lake where I saw this sign, maybe it should read "In the event of an emergency involving Oconee Nuclear Station... or other conditions requiring evacuation of the earth..."

If the nuclear power plant goes, maybe just enjoy the last few minutes on your boat.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Similes

It seems to me that trying to live without friends is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble and then not worth much after you get it.
~ Zora Neale Hurston
- - - - -

How would she even know that? 

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Sunrise

Someday is not a day of the week.
~ Denise Brennan-Nelson
- - - - -

Good one, Denise Brennan-Nelson. But don't you come around on July 6th trying to tell me birthDAY is not a day of the week or we're going to have some trouble between us.

Have a nice day.


Friday, January 5, 2018

Going

Only those who will risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go.
T. S. Eliot
- - - - -

The other day I saw a hearse pulling out of QuikTrip. I guess hearses have to get gas somewhere, but it struck me as odd. I wonder if the driver got a slushy drink thing while he was there.

I have so many questions about this world.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Words

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
~ Henry David Thoreau
- - - - -

Remember my post yesterday that used this same image? I have a confession to make. When I pulled the blog idea from my email, this is what I had typed to myself:

When you say words can't express I think you're just showing how limited your cocabilary is.

Pause.

That makes me sad for you.

I think I'm funny and then I go back and read stuff like this. Well, one thing I know for sure - I think  I'm funny.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Words

Where words fail, music speaks.
~ Hans Christian Andersen
- - - - -
I don't like it when people say, "Words can't express how..." and then go on to use words to express whatever they are talking about. Of course, I hate it when people say, "No words..." and then do the same thing. Obviously they do have some words, probably just not very good ones.

Really, instead of, "I'm sorry your cat died. I have no words to express my sorrow," they should write, "I"m sorry your cat died. I have a poor vocabulary."

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Be

Be -- don't try to become.
~ Osho
- - - - -

Leslie and I play games sometimes. One time we were playing this game called "Finish Lines" where you get part of a quote or a song or a piece of dialogue from TV or movies and you have to finish it. It's pretty fun. It's also challenging sometimes. 

Leslie: If you can't be good...

Me: Be very good.

Leslie: No.

Me: Be bad.

Leslie: No.

Me: Be quiet.

Leslie: No.

Me: Be yourself.

Leslie: No.

(pause)

Leslie: Be careful.

I think that this game sometimes reveals a lot about people. 

Monday, January 1, 2018

Danger

Never was anything great achieved without danger.
~ Niccolo Machiavelli
- - - - -

I recently found an email I sent to Sara and Joe in 2014. 

Subject: Not sure
Me: But I may have heard a Geiger counter in our lobby a minute ago.
Joe: It might have been because of you radiating awesomeness.
Me: I'm sure that had to be it. There aren't any Geigers around here.

You'll note that Sara is noticeably silent in this exchange. You probably think it is because she was either trying to work or she went to investigate what was going on since clearly neither Joe nor I was going to do anything about the situation.

But the reality might be that she was laughing and laughing and couldn't really type.

(pause)

You're probably right, though. She was probably trying to work. 

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Satisfaction



There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.
~ G. K. Chesterton
- - - - -

Leslie is very insightful. She loves creativity, but looks at it with a critical eye. For instance, this is her critique of the Netflix series Stranger Things:

"So do you think it's realistic that that Dart thing was really happy with a Fun Size Three Musketeers bar?"

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Sour

It tastes like water spiked with strange.
~ Mary Roach
- - - - -

I think on "Chopped" when the judges say, "This sorta works!" what they mean is that whatever it was didn't make them throw up in their mouths.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Chicken

I make amazing fried chicken. The secret is taco seasoning.
~ Tituss Burgess
- - - - -

On a recent trip to the dentist, I was waiting after the hygienist finished for the doctor to come in. As I was waiting, I heard the following conversation:


Dentist: It looks like maybe you have a chip on this tooth. Has it been bothering you?

Man: Nope. Didn't know it was there.

Dentist: Well, if it isn't bothering, I'll leave it - but let me know if it starts to bother you at all.

Man: Okay. Don't know what could have done that. Maybe chicken bones.


Are chicken bones really the ONLY hard food the man eats? And he eats chicken bones? Maybe he only chews them - in which case he chews chicken bones?

Life is full of so many questions.

(And, yes, I know this is a photo of a rooster. I see how he has the top of his head combed.)

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Detour

Rational thoughts never drive people's creativity the way emotions do.
~ Neil deGrasse Tyson
- - - - -

Leslie: All the drivers out today are turd nuggets!



While I appreciated Leslie's restraint when it came to using profanity, I found her alternative phrasing made me queasy. 

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Brother

Never make a companion equal to a brother.
~ Hesiod
- - - - -

This is my brother. 
And today is his birthday.
And this is his gift.

It is both blog post
And a beautiful haiku
Extraordinary.

oops. dammit I mean SERENDIPITY!

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Viewmaster


Nothing is beautiful from every point of view.
~ Horace
- - - - -

Kirk:  I keep meaning to ask you...  Any prob if I take the view master reels from the basement to Maine?  Some might have been yours so I want to ask 1st.  I won't if you will want some of them.

Me:  Go for it.  Weirdo.

Kirk:  Cool!  Thanks!  I love them.  You should come to my view master party!Me:  I'm sure it will be s alight to behold.

Kirk:  IN REALISTIC 3-D

Me:  Just like reel life.  see what i did?

Kirk:  Yes.  I like it.  I just got a reel from the 50's of Buster Keaton hosting a cabaret in a strip club.  It's crazy.

Me:  Wow.  For Viewmasturbators.  lol.  and gross.

Kirk:  Bwahahahaha.  And yuck.

Me:  Exactly.

Kirk:  You're yucky.  It's 8 am here and I think that will be my least favorite thing today...  Though I wish I'd thought of it.

Me:  I hear that all the time from people.  When is your Viewmaster party?

Kirk:  In September.  I'll send you a view master reel with all the details.

Me:  You have weird but interesting parties.

Kirk:  I'm not actually going to do that, but it's a good idea.

Me:  You should do it.  You could pair appetizers with each reel.

Kirk:  I might.  It'd be a LOT of appetizers.  And it would be gross when we watched the human anatomy reels I got Jared for his birthday.

Me:  Ladyfingers.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Santa

Kids believe in Santa; adults believe in childhood.
~ Cate Kennedy
- - - - -

You know anything can be scary if you want it to be scary. A guy sneaking into your house while you're asleep after assessing if you are good or evil? That's scary. The guy is Santa Claus? Oh, well then - still scary if he looks like THIS Santa Claus.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Left

It is better to risk starving to death than to surrender. If you give up your dreams, what's left?
~ Jim Carrey
- - - - -

Once again, when the shop closed at midnight on Christmas Eve, Blinky the one-eyed owl and the macaroon ornaments were the only things left on the shelf. Well along with the weird snowflake on a hunk of wood thing that Blinky suspected the shopkeeper's doltish child had made. "Ah," thought Blinky, "That shall be the title of my next tale - "The Shopkeeper's Doltish Child." 

You see, while the fact that no one purchased Blinky was sad, the true tragedy was that Blinky's wildly entertaining short stories would never be seen. In addition to lacking an eye, Blinky also lacked paper, pens, a typewriter machine, and fingers. While there were bigger tragedies in the world, Blinky couldn't think of any. 

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Heroine

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
~ Nora Ephron
- - - - -

Once upon a time there was a heroine. She was a shy little wallflower, but once in a Blue Moon she would... She would do the thing she is doing in the photo above. 

Friday, December 22, 2017

Chairs

The inmates made jokes about the chair, the way people always make jokes about things that frighten them but can't be gotten away from.
~ Stephen King
- - - - -

I didn't realize it before, but this looks a lot like the front stoop of Leslie's mom's old house. Well, how it looked when they lived there, at least. Except they didn't have these kinds of chairs. There was a swing thing and an adirondack chair and I think a director's chair. The rest looks similar.

I love these kind of yellow chairs. I don't know if my grandparents ever had them, but I seem to associate them with their farm, so maybe they did. I would like to have some of these chairs, but I don't really need them right now. We already have some chairs and I tend to use just one at a time. And I don't love visitors - with some exceptions of course.

I think if you have too many chairs about your home and property,  you're just asking for guests. And you know what they say about guests... They say, "When are those people going to leave?"

Well, if the guests don't have a chair to sit in, they don't stay long.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Words


Santa's coming girl!

Yeah yeah yeah yeaoooh
Santa Claus is coming to town
~ Justin Bieber
- - - - -

The fact that these words exist make me sad for Santa Claus, for the holiday season, for language, for music. Also, "yeaoooh" is not a word. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Leaves

The last dead leaves of fall crackled underfoot, winter-crisp.
~ Neil Gaiman
- - - - -
When summer goes, she burns out.
When spring goes, she storms out.
When winter goes she melts away
And when fall goes, she leaves.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Leaves

By late autumn the yard would grow thick with fallen leaves, causing the landlady to heave many deep sighs.
~ Takashi Hyrande
- - - - -

I remember as a kid that my dad used to get annoyed with me sighing. I sighed a lot. I think he thought I was annoyed or bothered or felt inconvenienced and that was my way of voicing my displeasure. 

I don't know why he got annoyed. I was just thinking and being reflective and breathing deeply to get myself centered.

I needed to make sure I was centered because of how annoyed I was.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Cost

Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much.
~ Blaise Pascal
- - - - -

I should come up with something like this for every person who asks to borrow my stapler when I'm in my office.

(pause)

I would either increase the rates because of inflation or require exact change. I think the latter. And I think I'd charge 1 1/2 cents per staple.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Moth

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
~ Paula Poundstone
- - - - -

I was once told that I am funny enough to be on NPR and that I am as funny as Paula Poundstone. I was told that while being interviewed by Paula Poundstone on NPR.

Part of that is not true. 

Look - a moth!

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Bike

I began to feel that myself plus the bicycle equaled myself plus the world.
~ Frances Willard
- - - - -

I have read a lot of quotes that start with, "Life is like riding a bicycle..."

No it's not. Life is life. Riding a bicycle is a part of it. If life was like riding a bicycle then it would be full of bumps and accidents and having fun and coasting and working hard and...

Oh. I see.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Babies

Babies are a nice way to start people.
~ Don Herold
- - - - -

Babies are hilarious. They are so surprised by everything. It's like they've been living under a rock. They haven't. Babies can't live under rocks. Like the song about babies says, "Rock?!! Uh, bye!" because that's not where you put a baby.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Teaching

I feel exhausted if I teach too long.
~ The Dalai Lama
- - - - -

You can teach a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

No.

You can take a horse to water, but you have to teach it to drink.

No.

You can't teach an old horse new tricks.

No.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to teach.

No. 
(pause)

It's been a long semester.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Gratitude

We ought to good to others as simply as a horse runs, or a bee makes honey, or a vine bears grapes season after season without thinking of the grapes it has borne.
~ Marcus Aurelius
- - - - -

I was looking at one of my strengths quiz things the other day and my top strength was gratitude. I was so thankful it wasn't chalkboard eraser clapping because that is a lost art nowadays.


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Sara

If you obey all the rules, you miss all of the fun.
~ Katherine Hepburn
- - - - -

Sara: Can I leave at 4:30? I am supposed to take Japannah III to this church thing.

Me: Is it the Church of the Poison Mind because that was from the 1980s and I think it is closed. (pause) That is fine.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Music

Nowadays what isn't worth saying is sung.
~ Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais
- - - - -

Person 1: She used to sing in band.

Person 2: She was in a band?!

Person 1: No. Marching Band. She used to sing when we were in marching band. It was annoying.


Eavesdropping so pays off sometimes. 

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Liz

Positive thinking will let you use the ability you have, and that is awesome.
~ Zig Ziglar
- - - - -

If you know someone named Liz who is always positive and upbeat and smiling and happy, beware. She isn't always those things. Sometimes she is dark and brooding and conniving and mean-spirited.

(pause)

Oh - wait. You were talking about THAT Liz?! You're right, she is pretty much always happy and optimistic. I thought you were talking about that other Liz. You know the one I mean? Yes. Yes, you do.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Saiylor?

A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.
~ Saying I have seen attributed to a bunch of different people
- - - - -

To hear Leslie tell it, tons of practice never made a sailor good at marching, either.

Go Army. Beat Navy.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Shed

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.
~ William Shakespeare
- - - - -

What if we literally kept our tears in a shed. What if we stored them up and didn't deal with the sadness (or joy) and pain (or ecstasy) that accompanied them until they could no longer be contained and the burst through the board and the shingles and the doors and swept across the land?

What if?

I don't know, but I will say that I bet the kinds of sheds where we would keep them would be watersheds.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Butterflies

The butterfly counts not months, but moments and has time enough.
~ Rabindranath Tagore
- - - - -

Given the short lifespan of a butterfly, I hope they don't count months or moments. They should be doing other things because time is short.

Wait. Just like people should be doing other things rather than counting (or worrying about) months. Because time is short!

I get you now, Rabindranath Tagore. Nice job.

On an unrelated joke, today it is seven months until my birthday.





Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Repair

No change of circumstances can repair a defect in character.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
- - - - -

We throw away so many things that we used to not throw away. Like shoes. We used to fix them and make them better when they got worn out. And they were made to last and last long enough to make it worthwhile to get some repairs.

Now we wear shoes and then get rid of them a lot of times.

We throw away clothes and other things we never used to throw away.

Like Sour Patch Kids wrappers. We didn't used to throw those away because they didn't exist a long time ago.

Wow how the times have changed.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Fountain

The child-soul is an ever-bubbling fountain in the world of humanity.
~ Friedrich Froebel
- - - - -

Friedrich Froebel was the guy who came up with the idea for kindergarten. According to Wikipedia he founded a care, playing and activity institute for small children in Bad Blankenburg. I would like to acknowledge that a "care, playing and activity institute for small children in Bad Blankenburg" sounds like part of a caption for a piece of Edward Gorey art.

Now that I have acknowledged that, I am finished with this post.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Distance

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
~ Steven Wright
- - - - -

No where is walking distance if you don't have the time.

(pause)

You should make some time.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Rocking

To custom the infant to get out of its own difficulties or to calm it by rocking may be to lay the foundations of a good or of a bad disposition.
~ Jean Piaget
- - - - -

To place an infant on a mouse in overhauls in order to rock it may be to lay the foundation of just a bad (not good) disposition since infants have neither the motor skills to play on a toy like this nor do they have the intellectual skills to realize how disturbing such play may be. 

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Fair

The world is not fair and often fools, cowards, liars, and the selfish hide in high places.
~ Bryant H. McGill
- - - - -

Seeing no one in the high places on the ferris wheel was only mildly reassuring at best and actually more completely misleading because ultimately there were higher places.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Subway

Don't sleep in the subway, darlin'. 
Don't stand in the pouring rain.
Don't sleep in the subway, darlin'.
The night is long,
Forget your foolish pride.
Nothing's wrong,
Now you're beside me again.

~ Written by Tony Hatch & Jackie Trent
Performed by Petula Clark
- - - - -

I don't know Petula Clark. I like some of her songs and I like her name. 

I will say that she should maybe reconsider her dating choices if the person she is with is going to go sleep in a subway or stand in the pouring rain because they had a fight. That seems not a productive way to resolve conflict.

But I'm not the boss of Petula Clark or her relationships. 

(pause)

Thank goodness, actually. That seems like a LOT of responsibility.