Hallway

So runs tonight's tale of the unusual, the terrifying, the unknown. Join us again when we next journey down the corridors of The Hall of Fantasy to hear another tale of the supernatural...

~ The Hall of Fantasy 

- - - - -

You might not think that those are scary lines. But what if there is a timpani drum in the background while a guy says those lines? And what if you are 11? And what if your parents told you not to listen to that show at bedtime? And what if you hear your parents coming to your room because they heard your radio?

Scared now?!!!!

(pause)

Um. 

Nope. Me neither. I'm not scared, you're scared. 
 

Daybreak

You are more dangerous than daybreak.

~ Holly Black

- - - - -

Daybreak is destructive. It shatters the night. 

It can also be your lucky break if you work to make that happen. It can be a bad break if you simply wait for things to happen to you. 

The day is what you make it. So get to work. 

Or not. (But really, you probably should).
 

Seat

The seat of the soul is where the inner world and the outer world meet.

~ Joseph Campbell

- - - - -

I need to have the seat of my soul reupholstered. It is getting worn out by the outer world. I'm thinking of having it done in polyethylene because I've read it's pretty durable. I know wool can be durable, too, but it can be itchy. I've never had an itchy soul, but I feel confident that is a bad thing.

Riddle

I've always been able to charm the people I needed.

~ Tom Riddle

- - - - -

Voldemort: Knock Knock

Person: Who's there?

Voldemort: Volde-- I mean Tom Riddle

Person: Go away.

Voldemort: Don't you mean "Tom Riddle who?"

Person: No. Get out of my yard!

Messages

In my songs, I try to look through someone else's eyes, and I want to give the audience a feeling more than a message.

~ John Prine

- - - - -

I think a good message to send to people is "I saw what you did and I want money." Try texting that to a few people and see what happens. 

(pause)

Maybe use a friend's phone to send the texts, though.

House-Made

 

Most of us have fond memories of food from our childhood. Whether it was our mom's homemade lasagna or a memorable chocolate birthday cake, food has a way of transporting us back to the past. 

~ Homaro Cantu

- - - - -

I can't remember what Leslie and I were watching, but we kept seeing a Dairy Queen commercial promoting their "house-made Hidden Valley Ranch." 

House-Made. 

That means they mix the powder and the buttermilk together on their own.

How chef-y.

Beautiful

We're all flawed, beautiful people; we're all flawed, beautiful creatures.

~ Stacey Barthe

- - - - - 

I like Ezra's artwork and all, but I have to say I hate it when I see little kids giving someone the bird.

Morning

Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.

~ Buddha

- - - - -

I was part of a share a quote thing a few years ago. My friend Jen sent me this quote, I like it. It's another way of saying, "Forgive yourself for the evils of yesterday. You were learning. Do better today." That's what it means for me.

Not for you. For everyone else it means, "Fix those awful things you did yesterday. And why don't you sit down and reflect on those things. Especially the things you did to Michelle."

 

Mail

Jim Henson was the only piece of fan mail I wrote when I was a little kid.

~ Neil Patrick Harris

- - - - -

It might be good that a lot of people don't write me fan letters. That would be additional work for the USPS, and as we can see from this photo of an actual mail carrier at work, he's already pulled his hair out. I seriously do not want to add to his stress.

 

Grandmothering

If nothing is going well, call your grandmother.

~ Italian Proverb

- - - - -

Parents' job is to ensure you have food and shelter. It is the job of grandmothers to make sure you eat whipped cream from the can and have helter skelter.

(Not the Charles Manson kind, though.)

Abandoned

The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.

~ Cesare Pavese

- - - - -

We wear our memories on our skin whether we remember them or not. We may not remember joyful days at an amusement park. We may not remember the day the amusement park closed. We may not remember when the tattoo parlor went up where the old Ferris wheel used to be. We may not remember why we got "Life is butt a dream" tattooed on the back of our upper left thigh. 

What's important is that we experienced these things and that we not drink so much before we get our next tattoo, and that we do a better job of spellchecking our next tattoo.

Doors

Look at every exit as being an entrance to somewhere else.

~ Tom Stoddard

- - - - -

Lily learned to open the front door of the cabin to go outside and the back door to go inside. I guess any dog is a doggie door if your dog knows how to open it.

Change

People can cry much easier than they can change.

~ James Baldwin

- - - - -

This is especially true for babies.
 

Sky

The sky is an infinite movie to me. I never get tired of looking at what's happening up there.

~ k. d. lang

- - - - -

I think looking up is a good thing to do. You can look up and admire the clouds. You can look up and see a rainbow. You can look up in your hour of need, asking for something you feel you cannot do without. Of course, if your hour of need comes during a solar eclipse, you can probably assume the answer to your request is, "No." And also that in addition to the answer, the universe might say to you, "Instead of that thing you thought you needed, don't you wish you could see instead of having stared into a solar eclipse?"

The universe answers your questions. 
 

Morning

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) 

the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. 

This makes it hard to plan the day.

~ E. B. White

- - - - -

I love mornings. They are quiet since I get up before most other people - at least in my house. Mornings are quiet in my head, too. The noise of others' voices hasn't gotten going yet. My own - often negative - self-talk is also quieter early in the day.

Sometimes, I wish mornings could last forever. They don't, though. Eventually, I want some lunch.

Lights

Never fear the shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

~Ruth E. Renkel

- - - - -

And never forget that light could be a torch being carried by the townspeople. 

Non-Jagoff

Jagoff or jag-off is an American English derogatory slang term from Pittsburghese, meaning a person who is a jerk, stupid, or inept.

~ Wikipedia

- - - - -

It is good to try and not be a jerk, stupid, or inept. However, it is also good to be nice, say kind things, and not go negative all the time. These things overlap. Another way to think about this is, "If you can't say something nice about others, say something nice about yourself." My friend Myles said that this was his takeaway after my comments at the awards section of the conference. I was happy to give the award I had won the previous year to a friend and colleague. I was also happy to tell everyone how prestigious the award is and that I was proof of that prestige.

I'm pretty sure everyone loved my brilliant comments.

Breathe

If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.

~ Amit Ray

- - - - -

I saw an ad recently for a virtual asthma study. I have some questions about whether "virtual" relates to the asthma or the study. 

Mail

I love the rebelliousness of snail mail, and I love anything that can arrive with a postage stamp. There's something about that person's breath and hands on the letter.

~ Diane Lane

- - - - -

And their spit, too.

Doll

Nothing scares me more than people with some doll collection.

~ Karl Lagerfeld

- - - - -
 Sometimes, things are "one of a kind" for a reason.

New

This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.

~ Taylor Swift

- - - - -

Person 1: Should I just throw away this old body pillow, or is there someplace I could donate it?

Person 2: Do you know what a body pillow has to have gone through in order to need to be replaced? No one wants that.
 

Dreams

Nothing happens unless first we dream.

~ Carl Sandburg

- - - - -

I forget where, but I heard this recently: "One does not chase dreams. You build them." I like that. It is true. Some people think having a dream is enough. Rarely, if ever, is that true. If you aren't taking action to pursue your dreams, you will unlikely achieve them.

This is complicated when it comes to dogs, though. Because I think sometimes dogs dream of chasing things. What do you do with that?

Sun

A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead.

~ Graham Greene

- - - - -

What if there was a story where every character in the book had a different starting point and you couldn't really tell what order things happened in and you got confused about who knew what and if things had happened or if they were going to happen or even if the characters in the book were reliable in how they told their parts of the story?

That's how I feel all the time.

End.

There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story.

~ Frank Herbert

- - - - -

As we conclude another year, I wish you all well.

Well, almost all of you.
 

Art?

The task of the artist is to make the human being uncomfortable. 

~ Lucian Freud

- - - - -

Diana: Why does she get a new dress and I have to wear this slip?

Jeremy: Mmmmmmmm.... Wine! I'm glad this is red wine. If I spill on my jacket no one will notice.

Bianca: Always a seamstress never a new dress-wearer.

Elizabeth-Kathleen: Fine. I'll wear this black dress, but I'm not at all sad my husband is dead.

Dog: I am taking a dump. Right now. Right here. 
 

Thirsty

Not only the thirsty seek water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.

~ Rumi

- - - - -

Children are thirsty for knowledge and education and wisdom and independence and Pacific Cooler Capri Sun.

Steps

"Happy birthday. I hope you fall down a flight of stairs, shithead."

~ Roman Roy

- - - - -

I think when you wish bad things for others, it's more about you than it is about those other people. Usually it's about how much you want bad things to happen to them.

Brother

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. 

~ George Bernard Shaw

- - - - -

Dear all of my brother Kirk's friends,

Just so you know, this is how he texts all of you. Now you know what he thinks of you. 

Love, my brother Kirk's sister.

P.S. Happy birthday, Kirk.
 

Boxing

Though it originated as a holiday to give gifts to poor people, Boxing Day forms part of Christmas celebrations, with many people choosing to take advantage of Boxing Day sales.

~ Wikipedia

- - - - -

So, instead of helping others now we focus on helping ourselves.

We continue to advance as a species.

Also, I know it isn't "Mailboxing Day," but shut up.

(pause)

Apparently, my holiday spirit evaporated pretty quickly this year.

Santy

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is dead

~ The Smothers Brothers

- - - - -

I think this is Santa. I get that you might try to make a little Santa out of a pine cone. But without his hat and with a little hole in his back, and being kind of dirty, this Santy is not very appealing. "Santy" was a typo, but it fits. This Santy is scanty (n. insufficient).

It's one thing for it to exist. It's another thing for someone to try and sell it to you.

Watching

He knows if you've been bad or good...  

~ Haven Gillespie & J Fred Coots

- - - - -

A year ago today, we were sitting at home without heat and electricity. We were without heat and electricity for about nine hours on the 23rd (3 a.m. to noon) and 18 hours on the 24th (9 p.m. to 3 p.m.). I know part of the hours I'm counting on the 24th happened on the 23rd, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my point is that if Santa was watching and saw what we were doing, for at least part of that time, we were not saying nice words. 

He still showed up on the 25th, as expected. I think he knew if he didn't, he'd be in for our wrath. Smart move, jolly fella. Smart move. 

I guess if he sees me when I'm sleeping, he also sees me when I don't have heat or electricity.

Boxed

Being together is what makes a perfect Christmas.

~ Barbie, A Perfect Christmas, 2011

- - - - -

No one really appreciated Barbie's comment because her apartment was really too small for a holiday gathering. Also, her apartment had vertical floors. 
 

Preference

I have a strong preference for being alive.

~ Alan Alda

- - - - -

I've learned not to be picky about decorating for the holidays. If there are children in your lives, you are going to have something on your tree made out of yarn or popsicle sticks. If you have someone who is sentimental in your world, there are going to be ornaments that are really old and worn. And there is going to be glitter, no matter what you do to avoid it.

That said, I do like a coordinated tree and thematically wrapped gifts. Leslie didn't think the wood-looking wrapping paper was very holiday-ish, but you know what else is made of wood? Popsicle stick ornaments. And nutcrackers. AND CHRISTMAS TREES. So I beg - nay, I INSIST on differing.

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year.

Alone

"I think maybe everyone is scared to be alone," I tell her. "Maybe, when you get down to it, that's why everyone does everything. Maybe we're all just trying to be a little less alone."

~ Allison Larken

- - - - -

I don't eat pickled herring because I'm afraid to be alone. I eat it because it's so, so very good.

Lights

There are two ways of spreading the light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

~ Edith Wharton

- - - - -

I disagree, Edith. There are a lot of other ways to be the light:

Be the electrician or the arsonist or paint yourself in glow-in-the-dark paint, or flip the light switch. I bet there are even more than those, too.

(pause)

I don't really recommend the arsonist one, though.
 

Cookies

Baking cookies is comforting, and cookies are the sweetest little bit of comfort food. They are very bite-sized and personal.

~ Sandra Lee

- - - - -
I recently learned that Duncan Hines was an actual person. He was a traveling salesman for part of his career. He wrote a book with his wife Florence listing good restaurants from around the country (this was before the interstate highway system). They wrote another book about lodging. He also had a newspaper column called Adventures in Good Eating at Home. He ventured into baking (bread) and eventually sold the rights to his name. Today ConAgra foods owns "Duncan Hines." 

If you look at the Duncan Hines logo, the words are imposed on a background which is a book. A testament to his original restaurant list and his newspaper writing career. I think that is all very interesting.

I also think it would be interesting to see a fist fight between Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker. Mainly because Betty Crocker is a fictional character.

Messages

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, "Make me feel important." Never forget this message when working with people.

- - - - -

I have been getting prank called by a fax machine. I don't speak fax, but I suspect the messages are filled with profanity.

Chimney

Have you noticed how nobody ever looks up? Nobody looks at chimneys, or trees against the sky, or the tops of buildings. Everybody just looks down at the pavement or their shoes. The whole world could pass them by, and most people wouldn't notice.

~ Julie Andrews

- - - - -

There are a lot of places where old chimneys are left standing. I assume the houses they were a part of have fallen down or burned down or been taken down. If the people who own the land where these chimneys are are smart, they're hanging extra stockings on those chimneys during the holiday season. 

I think of Santa as the kind of person who -- even if a place isn't on the map -- Santa is going to stop there and leave something in case there is a problem with the map. He doesn't want to accidentally skip someone. That's just what I think. 

Smirk

Evil's lurking,

I can see him smirking.

~ Tupac Shakur

- - - - -

"I was once told to avoid the word smirk in all writing," the writer wrote while smirking.

Quiet

In the old days, whoever spoke the quietest would win the argument.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

- - - - -

In the old days, librarians won most of the arguments. 

(pause)

I guess that hasn't changed.

(pause)

Have you ever argued with a librarian? Trust me. You don't wanna.

Chickens

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

~ Gary Larson

- - - - -

Chicken 1: Don't do it, Mildred!!!

Chicken 2: Why not?

Chicken 1: Because if you do, they are going to ask you about it for the REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE!

Photography

(photo from Realtor.com)

A good photograph is knowing where to stand.

~ Ansel Adams

- - - - -

Photographers are the best. They put a little bit of themselves in every picture they take.

 

Lemon

But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, this would be an irrational fear, because lemon meringue pie is delicious and has never hurt a soul.

~ Lemony Snickett

- - - - -

If you go into a restaurant and they have lemon merengue pie on the menu, be careful. If you order it, you're in for a BIG surprise. 

 

Nest

Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

~ Jonathan Swift

- - - - -

I read one time that if you put a paper bag up near a wasp nest, the wasps will leave. Unless it's a bag from Trader Joe's because wasps love that place. 

Golf

It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took me one afternoon on the golf course.

~ Hank Aaron

- - - - -

 Me: How many golf planes are there in the entire world?

You: I don't know. How many golf planes are there in the entire world?

Me: Fore.

I'll wait here while you try to catch your breath from all the laughter.

Army

Go Army! Beat Navy!

~ American Proverb

- - - - -

Lily's friends Sonja and Zeb (and, at the time, her future friend Stella) sent her this toy. She did not immediately destroy it, which is highly unusual for Lily. 

A number of Leslie's friends suggested that Lily get a goat toy to chew up instead. 

So we did. 

Go Army!

 

Cash

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.

~ Johnny Cash

- - - - -

I was talking with a friend recently about a job application. The posting asked for salary expectations. We chatted about it briefly. At the end of our exchange, I emailed the following.

And, yes, you don't want to say, "I'm making significantly less than what is posted, so you can pay me a mere pittance if you like."

First, you don't want to say that because you want to be paid well.

Second, you don't want to say that because it sounds like something from Charles Dickens.