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Sunday, July 31, 2016

Walking

Beauty surrounds us, but usually we need to be walking in a garden to know it.
~ Rumi
- - - - -

I know this one guy who wouldn't find walking there hazardous...

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Golf

It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
~ Hank Aaron
- - - - -

I don't play plain golf, but I play disc golf. I do sometimes watch plain golf on TV. I do that because the weather is usually pretty nice wherever they are golfing. I know a lot of people think that watching golf on TV is boring. Know what is more boring than that? Listening to your neighbors in the hotel watching golf on TV.

And I suppose some other things are more boring, as well.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Help

It's not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.
~ Epicurus
- - - - -

Me: Help me write a blog.

Leslie: What's your topic.

Me: I don't have one - thus the problem.

Leslie: Don't boo. Vote.

(pause)

No matter where you stand on the issues, I guess that advice bears repeating.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Prepared

Sometimes our stop-doing list needs to be larger than out to-do list.
~ Patti Digh
- - - - -

This is the inside of the lid of my mother's picnic basket. As you can see, she is very organized. Also, I can only imagine the drama when she realized she had forgotten the butcher (or carving) knife and the twistems.

(pause)

I'm glad it also doesn't include things like: bone saw, bleach, heavy duty garbage bags, rubber gloves, and hazmat suit.

(pause)

Dang it. I really wish I had replaced this list with that other list I just made up. I hate it when I have great ideas two weeks too late. You'd be surprised, but that happens a lot to me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Golf

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
~ Mark Twain
- - - - -

This sign says, "Next tee."

In my case what it ought to say is, "Next bunch of TREES you are going to hit with your disc. Also, water hazard for your disc. Also, you're not very good at disc golf, but your persistence is something to be respected."

Apparently, I think disc golf signs should read like fortune cookie fortunes.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Sign

The most certain sign of wisdom is cheerfulness.
Michel de Montaigne
- - - - -

A few things on this sign...

First of all, Leslie is the one who made sure I took a photo of it. She's good at noticing and encouraging and supporting my random photo initiatives.

Second of all, there aren't a lot of warning signs that include exclamation points. It really does make it a much bossier sign.

Finally, what are those kids doing?? Why is the one on the left flailing arms about? That seems dangerous. And what are they chasing? A ball? Doesn't this sign sort of say, "Share the road with kids who will chase the ball into the road and not look for traffic"?  I think that is poor education for kids who should not play ball or chase their ball into the road. 

Or maybe it isn't a ball. Maybe they are on an egg hunt. If so, they shouldn't hide eggs in the road. Or it could be a rolling quarter. If it's an old-timey quarter worth a lot of money, I get the enthusiastic flailing a little bit more than if that's not it. If it's a regular quarter then, sheesh. C'mon kids, it's just a quarter.

This sign is more confusing than it is helpful.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Music

Funny how such a beautiful song could tell such a sad story.
~ Sarah Dessen
- - - - -

So the other day Leslie and I were exploring and we drove past the Shady Lady Saloon + Private Club. I really liked the name. I also like that there was a fireworks stand right next to the place and that someone named "Dot" hosts the karaoke on Fridays.

Later that night Leslie spontaneously broke into song. She started singing, "Shady Lady Private Club..." to the tune of "Rubber Duckie."

I don't know why that tune went with those lyrics for her, but it did make me laugh really hard.

Also, I think Dot should add it to the playlist on Friday.

Bird

If I could come back as anything - I'd be a bird, first, but definitely the command key is my second choice.
~ Nikki Giovanni
- - - - -

I don't think that "giving someone the bird" is all that threatening a threat. And I don't even mean the hand gesture. I mean if you actually gave someone a bird. I mean, if you put a chicken in my yard, I might be annoyed. Or maybe I would get eggs.

If you put a duck in my garage, I could be enraged. Or I might get eggs.

If you put a falcon in the welder's mask I'm wearing... 

Wait.

THAT is a threatening threat.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Slogans

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is the slogan of the complacent, the arrogant, or the scared.
~ Colin Powell
- - - - -

I think "Enjoy Coca-Cola" is a good slogan. I'm glad it caught on instead of the alternate one that was proposed back in the day. You know the one: "Loathe Pepsi."

(pause)

Now that I think of it there might some politicians out there who could learn from this.  Bwaa ha ha ha ha! I said "could." No. I don't think they could. I meant "should."

Friday, July 22, 2016

Lights

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.
~ Og Mandino
- - - - -

Lights are more than symbolic when it comes to knowledge. It's not just that a lightbulb represents an idea. A light BULB. Think about it. A bulb is something you plant to grow something beautiful. Like a tulip. Or wisdom.

A light GLOBE is more than the thing that covers a lightbulb. It helps disperse light around the room - like knowledge dispersed around the globe, around the world.

A candle STICK. Because if you think about it a candlestick is very much shaped like a stick.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Courage

If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life.
~ Marcus Garvey
- - - - -

Don't forget that part of courage is rage. You have to be brave enough to get angry enough to create change or face your fears or lift up others.

Also you can rearrange the letters to make "e-cougar" which would be a pretty ferocious e-animal. Way more ferocious than the e-sheep, for example.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Sun

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
~ Buddha
- - - - -

Why do I see more sunsets than sunrises?
Because I'm already up at sunset.

And if I saw neither - if I was inside and locked away from the day beginning or end, would I be sad? Would I miss the light? Would I grow to loathe the darkness?

Maybe. But I would also be a vampire. One that could fly. And hopefully one who had really good night vision so I wouldn't run into telephone poles.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Driving

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
~ Dan Rather
- - - - -

I take a lot of photos while riding in the car. Some are good. Some are blurry. Lots are blurry, but even some of the blurry ones are good.

Lots of times I think, "I should come back and take more pictures here." Then I think, "I should pay more attention while I'm driving." Then I think, "That officer got mad when I took her photo." Then I think, "I wish I had just gone for a walk instead."

Monday, July 18, 2016

Mistakes

Man is broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue.
~ Eugene O'Neill
- - - - -

I wish someone who has royally messed up would write a memoir called, I Really Messed Up, But I'm Trying to Get it Back Together. Or Glue: Memoir of a Screwup or Oh, That Was Really Bad. Even something simple like, Oops. Or Sorry About That.

I think that we are at a point culturally that we realize our leaders (social, cultural, political, religious, etc.) are not perfect. I think we just want them to admit when they mess up. Am I wrong?

(pause)

Nope.  I am not wrong.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Food

One thing you can't do with babies. You can't give them steak.
~ Flavor Flav
- - - - -

It bothers me that the words marinate and urinate are so similar.

Also, if the above quote is the first thing that comes to Mr. Flav's mind about babies, maybe you want to not hire him for a babysitter. Not that I'm the boss of you. Or him. Or anyone except me.

Also, mmmmm. Steak!

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Fish

If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.
~ Will Rogers
- - - - -

I haven't been fishing in a couple of years. Well, I've fished for things in a bag or a pocket or the part of the car between the seat and the middle console thing.

That's not what I mean.

And that kind of fishing isn't relaxing.

Fishing for fish is relaxing to me. Probably less for the fish.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Community

For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism 
over common community.
~ Joe Biden
- - - - -

When we come together to work on things - problems, art, projects, barn-raisings - we come up with better solutions than when we face these things alone. We are more creative. We are able to see the larger picture.

That said, there is a limit to how many seats there can be at the table. But I don't think there is a limit to how many tables there can be. Also, it shouldn't always be the same people at the same tables. That limits us as a community.

Also, I think there should be a kids table. In case they spill.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Questions

The only interesting answers are those that destroy the questions.
~ Susan Sontag
- - - - -

Wow. That is a powerful quote. I think that maybe the opposite is also true.

For example, when I stopped to take a photo of this mailbox at the house around the corner from where I used to live, a woman from the house came outside. She asked, "What are you doing?" I responded that I hadn't ever seen someone paint part of their address on the mail flag before, so I thought it was interesting.

I thought that was the end of it. She asked a question. I responded. My answer in no way destroyed her question.

Then she asked me another question, "Want a cat?"

I didn't know how to respond, so I said, "No."

Perhaps the only interesting questions are those that the destroy the answers before you even get a chance to respond.

Also, why was she giving away cats?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Poetry

Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.
~ Emily Dickinson
- - - - -

Knowing that the palmetto bugs and mosquitoes will come
I close every door.

Sometimes practicality does not lend itself to poetry.


Monday, July 11, 2016

Butterfly

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.*
~ Muhammad Ali
- - - - -

How come it's called a butterfly? We don't call a wasp a "stingerfly." We don't call a bee a "buzzerfly." We don't call a lady bug a "round spotted fly." We don't call a witch a "cacklefly."

(pause)

I'm going to start calling witches "cackleflies." Who's with me? 



* Perhaps should be "Float like a butterfly, sting like a buzzerfly."

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Chair

When fortune calls, offer her a chair.
~ Yiddish Proverb
- - - - -

If it is a short-term fortune, I suppose you offer her a high chair.

If it is a leisure-related fortune, a recliner.

A fortune old and wise, the rocking chair.

And bad fortune - the most uncomfortable chair in the house. Or a beanbag chair (which is likely the same thing). That way she won't stay so long.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Bottle

Life is like a little message in a bottle to be carried by the winds and by the tides.
~ Gene Tierney
- - - - -

I saw this in an antique store with Leslie. I thought about buying it for my brother, Kirk. Instead I decided to rewrite the theme song to the Golden Girls as if it were a commercial (a LONG commercial) for this soda. You're welcome, Kirk. You're welcome, everyone.


Thank you for being a drink
To toast with my friend clink, clink, clink
Your taste is true you're a very yummy refreshment

I'm not ashamed to say
I hope you always will stay this way
Your cap is off,
I'm excited I get to drink you now

And if I threw a party
Invited everyone I knew
You would see, you're the beverage for me
And the crowd would cheer along and say,
Thank you for being a drink
Thank you for being a drink
Thank you for being a drink

(pause)

I think maybe I should have just gotten he bottle for Kirk.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Recipe

A recipe has no soul. You as the cook must bring soul to the recipe.
~ Thomas Keller
- - - - -

Recipe 1: Bowl of Chips

Directions: Put chips in a bowl. Eat chips out of the bowl.

Recipe 2: Chips and Dip

Directions: Put chips in a bowl. Set out some dip. Dip chips in dip. Eat chips dipped in dip.

Recipe 3: Chips and Ham

Directions: Eat chips with some ham.

This would be better if the photo read "Simile Recipes with Chips."

Recipe 1: Nachos

Take chips as salty as the sea and light like a butterfly's halo. Top them with cheese as cheesy as cheese, jalapeƱos hot like habaneros, ground beef as ground as the meat from that book The Jungle, sour cream white like snow that no dogs have peed on, and tomatoes as red and juicy as the reddest and juiciest tomato ever.

(pause)

Note to self: Write book of recipes.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Eyes

One eye sees, the other feels.
~ Paul Klee
- - - - -

One night I was talking with Leslie and she said something that made me laugh. At the same time I had a sharp pain in my eye. I tried to describe it to her. She said, "Maybe someone has a voodoo doll of you."

While I the comment didn't make me feel better - in fact it made me feel much worse - it did make me forget about my eye hurting.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Friends

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I bought a cake.
~ Mitch Hedberg
- - - - -

Maybe instead of me expecting "birthday cards" and "birthday gifts" from people, I should send out cards and gifts to people who make me glad that I was born.

(pause)

I'll definitely do that next year. (or the year after).

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

M

If I want sarcasm, Mr. Tanner, I'll talk to my children thank you very much.
~ Judi Dench as M
- - - - -

Why is M the best letter of the alphabet? Because ME starts with M. So does MELLOW. So does MICHELLE. So does MOON. So does MEADOW.  So does MICHELLE. So does MAGNIFICENT. So does MOTIVATE. So does MORNING. So does MICHELLE.

So MANY nice words start with M.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Freedom

We must be free not because we claim freedom, 
but because we practice it.
~ William Faulkner
- - - - -

Last Fourth of July it was Leslie and Granny and I.  I had been wanting to try out a rib recipe and so I did.  Originally, I thought David and Michael would be there too, but they had to go get some of David and Natalie's stuff from North Carolina.

Anyway, I posted this photo on Facebook and tagged the two of them and said basically that Granny was going to eat all the ribs and there wouldn't be any left.  They were good ribs.  Since they took about two days to prepare, they should have been good.  And we had Leslie's deviled eggs, baked beans, watermelon margaritas, potato chips and I think Granny had a bowl of watermelon.

That evening we went to see fireworks.  It took us a while to find a good parking place to see them, but eventually we did.  Then Granny fell asleep during the fireworks.  In her defense, it was about the time she usually falls asleep in front of her TV at home.

On the drive back to the house, Granny said, "This is what the Fourth of July is all about.  Fireworks and picnics with good food."  

I said, "I thought it was about freedom."

She paused, then said, "Freedom first.  Then ribs."

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Fireworks



There should be fireworks at last, when a dream dies.
~ Kirby Larson
- - - - -

I'm thinking of writing a story about an old guy who sells fireworks. His name is Sparky Ashton and his family has been selling fireworks for generations. Each of the people ahead of him in the family line has died a gruesome and fire-related death. Maybe Uncle Earle was burned up fighting a fire as a volunteer firefighter. Aunt Selma's apron caught on fire when she was frying chicken.

And Sparky - whose nickname is a joke: his actual name is Vigil (because they forgot to put the R in his name on his birth certificate, so he wasn't named after his great uncle Virgil after all) - Sparky one day spontaneously combusts and the entire fireworks store goes up in flames.

(pause)

I'm pretty sure it would be a good story.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Impossible

I love those who yearn for the impossible.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
- - - - -

Remember the secret to impossible is hidden in part of the word itself. If someone tells you something is impossible, simply say, "Ble. I didn't want to do that anyway."

Friday, July 1, 2016

History

You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has freedom.
~ Malcolm X
- - - - -

Celebrating the founding of the United States is a complex issue.  We celebrate different ways. Some people do not celebrate it at all.  I think it's important to think about our history on this date.  And I always think it's important to think not just about the good parts of our history, but the very bad parts of our history.  All of those pieces make up where we are today.

Here is an exchange I had with my brother a while ago (a couple of years ago) about how to celebrate July 4th.

Me:  Kirk, I just made "Mom's Banana Split Dessert" for 4th of July.  Jealous?  Also, why were we so poor with the creativity in food-naming at our house?  Consider the following in addition to "Mom's Banana Split Dessert."
* "Chip Cookies" (not chocolate chip cookies, but the cookies that look like chips)
* "The Hot Dish that Chelle and Erik Like"
* "Those Brownies that Grandma Makes"

The most creative food name we have is "Fruit Salad" which is what we call a bowl of grapes.  And I think Jared came up with that.

Kirk:  I started reading this and totally thought you were wrong or exaggerating...  And then as I read, I knew exactly what each of those was and could not come up with another name for any of them...  BTW, I love "Those Brownies that Grandma Makes."

As you can tell, not only in the history of nations complex, but the history of persons who make up nations is also complex.