End.

There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story.

~ Frank Herbert

- - - - -

As we conclude another year, I wish you all well.

Well, almost all of you.
 

Art?

The task of the artist is to make the human being uncomfortable. 

~ Lucian Freud

- - - - -

Diana: Why does she get a new dress and I have to wear this slip?

Jeremy: Mmmmmmmm.... Wine! I'm glad this is red wine. If I spill on my jacket no one will notice.

Bianca: Always a seamstress never a new dress-wearer.

Elizabeth-Kathleen: Fine. I'll wear this black dress, but I'm not at all sad my husband is dead.

Dog: I am taking a dump. Right now. Right here. 
 

Thirsty

Not only the thirsty seek water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.

~ Rumi

- - - - -

Children are thirsty for knowledge and education and wisdom and independence and Pacific Cooler Capri Sun.

Steps

"Happy birthday. I hope you fall down a flight of stairs, shithead."

~ Roman Roy

- - - - -

I think when you wish bad things for others, it's more about you than it is about those other people. Usually it's about how much you want bad things to happen to them.

Brother

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. 

~ George Bernard Shaw

- - - - -

Dear all of my brother Kirk's friends,

Just so you know, this is how he texts all of you. Now you know what he thinks of you. 

Love, my brother Kirk's sister.

P.S. Happy birthday, Kirk.
 

Boxing

Though it originated as a holiday to give gifts to poor people, Boxing Day forms part of Christmas celebrations, with many people choosing to take advantage of Boxing Day sales.

~ Wikipedia

- - - - -

So, instead of helping others now we focus on helping ourselves.

We continue to advance as a species.

Also, I know it isn't "Mailboxing Day," but shut up.

(pause)

Apparently, my holiday spirit evaporated pretty quickly this year.

Santy

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is dead

~ The Smothers Brothers

- - - - -

I think this is Santa. I get that you might try to make a little Santa out of a pine cone. But without his hat and with a little hole in his back, and being kind of dirty, this Santy is not very appealing. "Santy" was a typo, but it fits. This Santy is scanty (n. insufficient).

It's one thing for it to exist. It's another thing for someone to try and sell it to you.

Watching

He knows if you've been bad or good...  

~ Haven Gillespie & J Fred Coots

- - - - -

A year ago today, we were sitting at home without heat and electricity. We were without heat and electricity for about nine hours on the 23rd (3 a.m. to noon) and 18 hours on the 24th (9 p.m. to 3 p.m.). I know part of the hours I'm counting on the 24th happened on the 23rd, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my point is that if Santa was watching and saw what we were doing, for at least part of that time, we were not saying nice words. 

He still showed up on the 25th, as expected. I think he knew if he didn't, he'd be in for our wrath. Smart move, jolly fella. Smart move. 

I guess if he sees me when I'm sleeping, he also sees me when I don't have heat or electricity.

Boxed

Being together is what makes a perfect Christmas.

~ Barbie, A Perfect Christmas, 2011

- - - - -

No one really appreciated Barbie's comment because her apartment was really too small for a holiday gathering. Also, her apartment had vertical floors. 
 

Preference

I have a strong preference for being alive.

~ Alan Alda

- - - - -

I've learned not to be picky about decorating for the holidays. If there are children in your lives, you are going to have something on your tree made out of yarn or popsicle sticks. If you have someone who is sentimental in your world, there are going to be ornaments that are really old and worn. And there is going to be glitter, no matter what you do to avoid it.

That said, I do like a coordinated tree and thematically wrapped gifts. Leslie didn't think the wood-looking wrapping paper was very holiday-ish, but you know what else is made of wood? Popsicle stick ornaments. And nutcrackers. AND CHRISTMAS TREES. So I beg - nay, I INSIST on differing.

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year.

Alone

"I think maybe everyone is scared to be alone," I tell her. "Maybe, when you get down to it, that's why everyone does everything. Maybe we're all just trying to be a little less alone."

~ Allison Larken

- - - - -

I don't eat pickled herring because I'm afraid to be alone. I eat it because it's so, so very good.

Lights

There are two ways of spreading the light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

~ Edith Wharton

- - - - -

I disagree, Edith. There are a lot of other ways to be the light:

Be the electrician or the arsonist or paint yourself in glow-in-the-dark paint, or flip the light switch. I bet there are even more than those, too.

(pause)

I don't really recommend the arsonist one, though.
 

Cookies

Baking cookies is comforting, and cookies are the sweetest little bit of comfort food. They are very bite-sized and personal.

~ Sandra Lee

- - - - -
I recently learned that Duncan Hines was an actual person. He was a traveling salesman for part of his career. He wrote a book with his wife Florence listing good restaurants from around the country (this was before the interstate highway system). They wrote another book about lodging. He also had a newspaper column called Adventures in Good Eating at Home. He ventured into baking (bread) and eventually sold the rights to his name. Today ConAgra foods owns "Duncan Hines." 

If you look at the Duncan Hines logo, the words are imposed on a background which is a book. A testament to his original restaurant list and his newspaper writing career. I think that is all very interesting.

I also think it would be interesting to see a fist fight between Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker. Mainly because Betty Crocker is a fictional character.

Messages

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, "Make me feel important." Never forget this message when working with people.

- - - - -

I have been getting prank called by a fax machine. I don't speak fax, but I suspect the messages are filled with profanity.

Chimney

Have you noticed how nobody ever looks up? Nobody looks at chimneys, or trees against the sky, or the tops of buildings. Everybody just looks down at the pavement or their shoes. The whole world could pass them by, and most people wouldn't notice.

~ Julie Andrews

- - - - -

There are a lot of places where old chimneys are left standing. I assume the houses they were a part of have fallen down or burned down or been taken down. If the people who own the land where these chimneys are are smart, they're hanging extra stockings on those chimneys during the holiday season. 

I think of Santa as the kind of person who -- even if a place isn't on the map -- Santa is going to stop there and leave something in case there is a problem with the map. He doesn't want to accidentally skip someone. That's just what I think. 

Smirk

Evil's lurking,

I can see him smirking.

~ Tupac Shakur

- - - - -

"I was once told to avoid the word smirk in all writing," the writer wrote while smirking.

Quiet

In the old days, whoever spoke the quietest would win the argument.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

- - - - -

In the old days, librarians won most of the arguments. 

(pause)

I guess that hasn't changed.

(pause)

Have you ever argued with a librarian? Trust me. You don't wanna.

Chickens

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

~ Gary Larson

- - - - -

Chicken 1: Don't do it, Mildred!!!

Chicken 2: Why not?

Chicken 1: Because if you do, they are going to ask you about it for the REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE!

Photography

(photo from Realtor.com)

A good photograph is knowing where to stand.

~ Ansel Adams

- - - - -

Photographers are the best. They put a little bit of themselves in every picture they take.

 

Lemon

But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, this would be an irrational fear, because lemon meringue pie is delicious and has never hurt a soul.

~ Lemony Snickett

- - - - -

If you go into a restaurant and they have lemon merengue pie on the menu, be careful. If you order it, you're in for a BIG surprise. 

 

Nest

Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

~ Jonathan Swift

- - - - -

I read one time that if you put a paper bag up near a wasp nest, the wasps will leave. Unless it's a bag from Trader Joe's because wasps love that place. 

Golf

It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took me one afternoon on the golf course.

~ Hank Aaron

- - - - -

 Me: How many golf planes are there in the entire world?

You: I don't know. How many golf planes are there in the entire world?

Me: Fore.

I'll wait here while you try to catch your breath from all the laughter.

Army

Go Army! Beat Navy!

~ American Proverb

- - - - -

Lily's friends Sonja and Zeb (and, at the time, her future friend Stella) sent her this toy. She did not immediately destroy it, which is highly unusual for Lily. 

A number of Leslie's friends suggested that Lily get a goat toy to chew up instead. 

So we did. 

Go Army!

 

Cash

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.

~ Johnny Cash

- - - - -

I was talking with a friend recently about a job application. The posting asked for salary expectations. We chatted about it briefly. At the end of our exchange, I emailed the following.

And, yes, you don't want to say, "I'm making significantly less than what is posted, so you can pay me a mere pittance if you like."

First, you don't want to say that because you want to be paid well.

Second, you don't want to say that because it sounds like something from Charles Dickens.

Hanukkah

The proper response, as Hanukkah teaches, is not to curse the darkness but to light a candle.   

~ Irving Greenberg

- - - - -

My nephew Zak is one of my favorite people. Last year when I visited him just before Hanukkah, we went out for tacos. At the taco place (Bird & Co. in Portland, ME - I highly recommend), there was a woman from Temple that Kirk knew. She taught Zak how to say "Hanukkah" in sign language. 

A few days later we were taking Zak to school. It was cold out, but we bundled up, and Kirk, Jared, Zak, and I piled in the car. Jared had been out of town, so Kirk said, "Oh, Zak! Show us how you learned to sign the word "Hanukkah" since Papa wasn't there." 

Zak smiled and held up his hands and signed the word perfectly. Or so I assume. He moved his hands correctly, but it's hard to tell if he was signing exactly right since he was wearing mittens.

Sleep

It's better to oversleep and miss the boat than get up early and sink.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

- - - - -

One time I got up before 6:00 a.m. to go see the meteor shower, but I was too late and missed it, Seems I overlsept by about two weeks.

Monsters

Monsters don't need reasons.

~ Dark Winds

- - - - -

I don't believe in monsters. I think, ultimately, it's far more important for them to believe in themselves.

 

Tortoise

Tortoises can tell you more about the road than hares.

~ Khalil Gibran

- - - - -
Maybe the tortoise lost the race with the hare not because it was slower, but because it tried to take a shortcut, but it's shell was too tall for it to slip under the gate. We never talk about that, do we Aesop?

Assawoman

Women, rather than building each other up and helping -- sometimes we tear each other down."

~ Allison Gabriel

- - - - -

When I saw that we would be near this on our trip to Delaware, I decided I wanted to make sure I visited it. It's named after a person I know.

(pause)

Just kidding!

It's named after several people I know.

 

Clown

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human with the soul of a clown, which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

~ Jim Morrison

- - - - -

I met a man once who tried to convince me that there are different kinds of clowns and that I was one of them. I forget which kind he said I was because I ran away with my hands over my ears yelling "I can't hear you! I can't hear you! I can't hear you!"

Shoes

I firmly believe that with the right footwear, one can rule the world.

~ Bette Midler

- - - - -

As she typed a letter to her daughter, the old woman shared about a party some friends had thrown her for turning 78. "It was wonderful at first," she wrote. "It got rough when I blew out my birthday cankles." 

Her daughter assumed it was a mistake. Her mother had always suffered from asthma, so blowing out birthday candles had historically been a challenge.

It was not a mistake. Her mother walked with a limp the rest of her days.