Dog

Dogs are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions. They make no criticisms.

~ George Eliot

- - - - -

Interviewer: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want a dog, Michelle?

Me: Well, it depends on what kind of dog.

Interviewer: A Labrador or a lab mix -- 

Me: (excitedly) A ten.

Interviewer: You interrupted me. A Labrador or a lab mixed with a giant slug.

Me: (pause) What is WRONG with you???

Giggle

I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals.

~ Emma Thompson

- - - - -

If there is one thing I have learned so far during the pandemic it is that people are hilarious. Some are accidentally hilarious. Some are nervous laughter hilarious. But a whole, whole lot of them are "let's get through this with some humor" hilarious. I'm really glad for that.

Social media in a time of social distancing can actually be a gift. At least if you have some of the same friends I do. 

Shape

I am intrigued with the shapes people choose as their symbol to create a language. There is within all forms a basic structure, an indication of the entire object with a minimum of lines that becomes a symbol. This is common to all languages, all people, all times.

~ Keith Haring

- - - - -

I am intrigued with the gestures people choose to create language. I could watch people getting flipped off all day long. But I don't like it when that happens to me. I prefer the gesture curtseying or standing ovations when people see me. 

Unless they're doing it sarcastically. They need to knock it off if they're being sarcastic.

Arrows

A pig's tail will never make a good arrow.

~ French Saying

- - - - -

This is a smart evolutionary trait of the pig. Because if a pig's tail made a good arrow, then a wild boar's tail would make a good arrow. And if a wild boar's tail made a good arrow, then people who go wild boar hunting could keep using wild boar tails and kill one wild boar after the other.

Of course this is only if an elk's antlers made a good bow and they had also killed an elk.

Mail

I write letters to you that you'll never see.

~ Jennifer Elisabeth

- - - - -

Leslie: I'm going to check the mail.

Me: DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT MY TENURE LETTER!

(A minute later, the door opens. Leslie walks inside.)

Me: It came? HOORAY!!!

Leslie: Um... could your tenure letter have come from Ranger Rick?

Sun

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

- - - - -

Know what else comes with the new day? 

(pause)

Wait, seriously... you can't name even ONE thing?

Wow. You should get out more.

Good

I didn't realize until I was grown how important it is for good people to be tough.

~ Ruby Dee

- - - - -

Leslie is a good person. She always tries to do the good and the right thing. Which is not easy. For instance, Leslie tries to be a safe driver and not get distracted by her phone when she's driving - even though it is tempting to glance at your phone. Recently, Leslie  figured out how to turn on the "I can't take your call right now, I'm driving" function on her phone. 

(pause)

She may never take a call from me again.

POWERFUL.

farts








(I know I usually have a quote and then some context in my blogs, but the title, the image, and the word above is how it was saved as a draft. It made me laugh. So I'm just posting it like this. If it doesn't make you laugh, come back tomorrow. Actually, if this doesn't make you laugh, it's unlikely you'll like the rest of the blog, so I wish you well and move along...)

Thumbs

In the absence of any other proof, the thumb alone would convince of me God's existence.

~ Isaac Newton

- - - - -

A few weeks ago Leslie cut both of her thumbs on an apple slicer. I pretty much saved her life. She was bleeding and bleeding. 

I have some outstanding and little-known skills. One is I can fix copiers. Another is I can fix vacuum cleaners. Another is helping people with student affairs cover letters. And now another is using butterfly bandages to save people's lives. 

I have photos of Kirk and Zak giving "thumbs up" with this post because Leslie's thumbs still look pretty mangled up.

Crabs

The crab that walks too far falls into the pot.

~ Haitian Proverb

- - - - -

These are South Carolina blue crabs. We saw some guys fishing one time and they had caught these crabs. 

(pause)

That might be first time I've written about guys catching crabs.

(pause)

Might be the last time, too.

Chicken

Chickens don't praise their own soup.

~ Martinican Proverb

- - - - -

Which came first, the chicken salad or the egg salad?

The chicken salad.

I have to believe that we decided to eat that animal before we decided to eat something that shot out of that animal's butt.

(pause during which I do some really quick research)

Actually, apparently the best guess is that egg salad originated in the early 1800s (because it had to come after the invention of mayonnaise) and chicken salad was first served by Liam Gray in Rhode Island in 1863. 

I think the most important thing to remember, however, is that I do not like chicken pot pie.

Hat

Why should anyone be frightened by a hat?

Antoine Saint-Exupery

- - - - -

I think a hat is as fine a thing as any to be afraid of. We are afraid of things that don't exist and things that haven't even happened yet. Imagine what something that actually DOES exist might do. And don't the words "hate" and "asshats" and "chatting" all have contain the word "hat"? Yes. Yes, they do. And hate, asshats and chatting are all terrifying things.

There. I think I've made my point. You might wonder what my point is, and to that I say that my point is a good one.

Church

I went to Confession and I told the priest, "I lost my temper." He said, "Keep it. Nobody wants it." Well, I never said "lost" again because I was afraid I'd get another smart aleck comment.

~ Mother Angelica

- - - - -

If someone says they need to write to "nun what-the-hell's-her-name" I don't know what to tell you. They're writing to a nun - could be good. They don't know her name and swear in admitting they don't know her name - not good. 

I guess I'd say stay friends with them anyway because I know that someone and they're a pretty fun person.

Waterfall

Just let go. And fall like a little waterfall.

~ Bob Ross

- - - - -

I think this saying is a bad one to share with babies. First of all, they may not know what a waterfall is. Second, they are going to fall no matter what. Third, they might think you mean "just fall down and cry." 

(pause)

Again, they're going to do that no matter what. Babies are so irritating. 

Lobster

A great war shall burst forth from fishes of steel. Machines of flying fire, lobsters, grasshoppers, mosquitoes. The mass attacks shall be repulsed in the woods, when no child in Germany shall obey any longer.

~ Nostradamus

- - - - -

I was working on my blog one evening and looking for a quote about lobsters. I found this one.

As a result, I don't have a lot to say about lobsters, but I don't recommend reading Nostradamus at bedtime.

Wanted

As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.

~ Andy Warhol

- - - - -

I bet that's not 100% true. If a sheriff stopped wanting Belle Starr, I doubt that she'd just show up and turn herself in. Also, if this poster is accurate, then accounting for inflation, the reward today would be more than $20,000. Also, if this poster is accurate, then Belle Starr looked a LOT like a cranky Leslie. 

Wall

Why do we build the wall?

My children, my children

Why do we build the wall?

Why do we build the wall?

We build the wall to keep us free

That's why we build the wall

We build the wall to keep us free.

~ Anais Mitchell

- - - - -

The people to whom we give spaces of honor says more about us than it does about them. If you were going to carve four faces into the side of a mountain, whom would you choose?

Also, do you know how to carve? If not, your monument will probably look crappy no matter whom you choose.

Ships

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.

~ Louisa May Alcott

- - - - -

I once did a presentation and shared this quote. I used it as an example of facing difficult times and affording ourselves grace around our mistakes. A person in the audience (someone I knew and with whom I was bonded by our mutual dislike of one another) argued with me. She said sometimes storms sink ships.

I paused for a moment and then said, "You're right. We should be afraid of storms." Then she argued with that. Later in the presentation, she asked if she could ask a question. I said, "No." I often do this for comedic effect. It was not comedic.

And maybe I didn't mean it to be. 

Anyway, she works for Semester at Sea now.

(pause)

Not really, but wouldn't that be a great end to this story?

Lunch

Destiny may ride with us today, but there's no reason for it to interfere with lunch.

~ Peter the Great

- - - - -

If anyone ever serves you lunch and asks you, "Is it chicken or is it cauliflower?" it's cauliflower. Otherwise they would say, "This is chicken." If they ask, it's always cauliflower. 

Signs

Life is a crap carnival with shit prizes.

~ Stephen King

- - - - -

Sometimes we have to stop shit to move on. Stop negative self talk. Stop hanging around with toxic people. Stop using APA 6th Edition because now there is APA 7th Edition. Stop making new APA editions... etc.

Rocks

When you see a rock coming, it hurts less. 

~ Greek Proverb

- - - - -

I'm not sure the same holds true for trains or trucks or buses.

Walking

In the morning, I work for three hours then go for long walks in the afternoon - my thinking time.

~ Stephen King

- - - - - -

The other morning Leslie came in and I was sitting at my desk on the computer. Holding towels and the bathroom rug, she said, "I'm having a hard time this morning."

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I can't get started and you've been at your desk for a half an hour and you've probably written two articles."

I encouraged her to come and look at what I was working on - my blog.

"Still..." she said.

Just a week or so earlier, she had shared with me an article the gist of which was, "Exercise first, then write." I shared that it was better for her to do something for a half an hour and then sit down to work than to sit down and work and do nothing productive for 60 minutes.

I did this to share back to her the wisdom that she shared with me. And also to make myself not feel so crummy for not writing two articles in the 30 minutes I'd been at my computer.

Truck

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck, he apologizes to the truck.

~ Jackie Mason

- - - - -

That's not me at all. I'm not an Englishman. If I get run down by a truck, I'm not going to lie to you - I'd probably just die. Well, if "run down by a truck" means what I think it means. Even if I had a few final words, they would NOT be, "Sorry truck."

Lights

Later that night when the lights went out of sight

Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

~ Gordon Lightfoot

- - - - -

I wonder if Edmund had a sister named Ella.

Sally

That's enough with the "What if..?" questions.

~ Sally Deters

- - - - -

Sally is someone I admire. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to tell people to shut up without actually saying, "Shut up." I also learned how to tell people to shut up by saying, "Shut up."

She's a great teacher.

Dragon

Never laugh at live dragons.

~ J. R. R. Tolkein

- - - - -

And only laugh at dead dragons if they died in non-tragic ways. Like if a dragon died trying to rescue baby kittens from a flood, don't laugh at that dragon.

Why do I even have to tell you these things? What is WRONG with you?

Moonshine

We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.

~ H. L. Mencken

- - - - -
Moonshine on my shoulders makes me happy. No. Wait. That's SUNSHINE. Moonshine on my shoulders makes me angry at whoever spilled that on me. (And we all know I'm probably talking about Leslie. I put that part in parentheses so she won't know I wrote it.)

Library

When in doubt, go to the library.

~ Ron Weasley

- - - - -

So when Leslie worked at the library at Duquesne, she said that there was a campus police officer who told her, "Libraries attract perverts."

This is why I don't have one of those tiny library box things in my front yard.

Clowns

Clowns drink to drown out the ravages of terrifying children for a living.

~ Douglas Coupland

- - - - -

"You're it!"

Don't ignore kids when you hear them yelling this. They could be talking to Pennywise and that is NOT something you want to ignore.

Heads

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

~ Steve Martin

- - - - -

I've heard it said that two heads are better than one. But what about three or four heads? And does the value of those heads change if they are not connected to bodies? I suspect yes, but that remains to be seen.

(pause)

Depending on what dark turns my life takes in the future, this could definitely serve as a "red flag" blog post. 

Fans

Shit, meet Fan. Fan, this is Shit.

~ David Mitchell

- - - - -

You know that saying had to come about because it actually happened somewhere. I don't think you come up with "the shit hit the fan," out of your imagination. Someone actually experienced shit hitting a fan one time. It's not like you hear about "the sandwich bread bag of urine hit the sidewalk from the fourth floor window" just randomly. 

Well, except maybe for here.

Giraffe

I saw a giraffe with a short neck

That was sad... or a deer.

~ Bo Burnham

- - - - -

When I was little we had a Mr. Rogers album about Josephine the short-necked giraffe. She wanted a longer neck or probably just wanted to be taller. Anyway, as I recall, the message was that giraffes' don't have any clue how to dream big. 

(pause)

Well, in this case maybe she literally was dreaming about being big, but that's not what I mean.

Smile

Look back and smile on perils past.

~ Sir Walter Scott

- - - - -

Look ahead and smile on perils of the future. Look around and smile at perils of the present. Unless those perils include bears. I think you're supposed to do something else if you see a bear.

Roommates

What I love most about my home is who I share it with.

~ Tad Carpenter

- - - - -

It's a good idea if you are considering moving in with someone or getting a new roommate, to ask them if they ever eat Brussels sprouts and egg salad at the same time. If they say yes, ask them if they leave the house for a few hours after they do that. If they say no, think long and hard about moving in with them or letting them move in with you.

Moments

All that is important is this one moment in movement. Make the moment important, vital, and worth living. Do not let it slip away unnoticed and unused.

~ Martha Graham

- - - - -

Every moment is important, but that doesn't mean you should try to stay awake for ALL of them.

Children

Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes and impression

~ Haim Ginott

- - - - -

Someone asked for movie suggestions for a three-year-old. I was going to suggest "A Clockwork Orange" and say that it teaches about telling time and colors, but I don't know the person well enough to know if they would know it was a joke.

Too bad because it is a super funny joke.

Easter Island

There are so many doors to open. I am impatient to begin.

~ Daniel Keyes

- - - - -

There's an Easter Island, but no Tooth Fairy Island. 

(pause)

That seems about right. Who would go to a Tooth Fairy Island?

Peeps

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

~ Ernest Hemingway

- - - - -
Sometimes when my parents would get annoyed with me they would say, "I don't want another peep out of you!"

This was particularly true when I was projectile vomiting Peeps.

Party

No party is fun unless seasoned with folly.

~ Desiderius Erasmus

- - - - -

I'm thinking that now is the perfect time for me to send out invites to a big party at my house. No one can come because of the pandemic. That means that the day of the party, I don't have to think, "Why did I plan this party? It seemed like a good idea, but now I just want to stay home and not have company." Plus, everyone in the future will say, "Aw, shucks. It's too bad you couldn't have that party at your house. I bet it would have been great." I get credit for trying to be social without ever having to be social.

It's kind of a perfect party scenario for me.

Communication

Precision of communication is important, more important than ever, in our era of hair trigger balances, when a false or misunderstood word may create as much disaster as a sudden thoughtless act.

~ James Thurber

- - - - -

Leslie: I hate it when people post suspenseful things on Facebook. Like my friend just posted, "Rushed to the hospital at 1:30 a.m.!!" and nothing else.

Me: Well, for me it depends on if they're asking for something --

Leslie: PRAYERS! She's asking for prayers! But am I praying for tonsils or a heart attack? Because I'm going to pray differently for those.

Lock

We are chained by our own control. Life is nothing more than finding the key that unlocks every part of our soul.

~ Shannon Adler

- - - - -

Except if you're Harry Houdini. In that case life is nothing more than finding the key to the locks that are on the chains that have you bound in that tank full of water. 

Window

Many a doctrine is like a window pane. We see truth through it, but it divides us from truth.

~ Kahlil Gibran

- - - - -

I see all these posts right now of people visiting other people and talking to them through their windows. People going to retirement homes to see parents or grandparents, people visiting each other, but maintaining social distance.

And yet, when I do that to try and get to know my neighbors, they get all mad about it. 

Hey, neighbor! I'm just trying to make this a FRIENDLY pandemic for us all. What the heck?!! Why did you even come to the window when I gently rapped on it in the middle of the night if you didn't want to chat?

Sheesh.

Perspective

If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

- - - - -

So... This is the photo from my post yesterday. I had written that post months ago. Today, the tissue box has a different meaning. In our current context of TP hoarding by people who have not yet developed an understanding of community - at least not in the way that I understand it - this message rings true in new ways. We have all had conversations about toilet paper and who has it and who doesn't and where to get it and how much to buy at a time. 

Instead of a box of tissues saying "I'm there..." maybe we should be saying that to each other. Maybe we should work hard to stand by one another all the time, but also especially in times of crisis like right now.

(pause)

Not that I want my community standing right next to me when I actually run out of toilet paper. I meant that more philosophically and less literally.

Toilet

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and have to explain, "Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad."

~ Ellen Degeneres

- - - - -

Any Leslie using a public bathroom is Leslie Stall.

Chickens

I like chicken a lot because chicken is generous - that is to say, it's obedient. It will do whatever you tell it to do. 

~ Maya Angelou

- - - - -

I like gas station chicken salad sandwiches a lot. It's not really the same as what I imagine Dr. Angelou was talking about, but both involve chicken.

Out

FOMO is the enemy of valuing your own time.

~ Andrew Yang

- - - - -

I do not have a fear of missing out (FOMO). I have a fear of going somewhere and there are people there I have to interact with (FOGSATAPTIHTIW). Maybe fear of going somewhere (FOGS) is an easier acronym to remember.

Restaurants

People who work in professional kitchens may love what they do, but sometimes it's just something that puts food on the table.

~ Alex Guarnaschelli

- - - - -

We all have our own priorities about restaurants. Some of us focus on the service. Some of the variety on the menu. Some on the plating. Some on the fries:

Laughter

Laughter is poison to fear.

~ George R. R. Martin

- - - - -

April Fool's Day is one of my favorite holidays. This year I am working from home. I do have a package that is going to Kirk and Jared and Zak so they can celebrate. I suppose I could post a joke or prank on social (distance) media.

Or I could just play a bunch of pranks on Leslie. I think she'd like sharing the holiday with me. And I think she'd love laughing at the funny things I would do. 

No, wait. That's me who would enjoy the laughing.

(pause)

I might play it kind of low key this year.